


We fall apart as it gets dark

by harakiriy



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Confusion, Denial of Feelings, Drinking, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enemies to Lovers, He is lost, Help how do I tag, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, It gets darker, Jongho had it enough, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Mingi as a drinking buddy, Park Seonghwa is Bad at Feelings, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, San is a little shit, Session with a Psychologist, Slow Burn, Wooyoung is whipped and sad, Yeosang is tired, Yunho as supportive friend, help my boy Hongjoong
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-17 21:48:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 30,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28856115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harakiriy/pseuds/harakiriy
Summary: Hongjoong hates this newcomer called Seonhwa with every single atom in his body. But when he finally drops his vendetta, falling in love with him, things start to get worse and worse for everyone.Is Seonghwa just an accidental catalyst for their group or he was the epitome of bad luck?
Relationships: Choi San/Jung Wooyoung, Choi San/Park Seonghwa, Jung Wooyoung/Kim Hongjoong, Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa
Comments: 32
Kudos: 98





	1. THE HATE YOU GIVE

Hongjoong stared at Seonghwa, who was feeding San with fries, and he felt his blood boiling with hate.

Does he hate him? He wasn't so sure what his true feelings were, but he was sure that hatred was one of them. How the fuck did he managed to get in into the group, his group? It was always just the seven of them. Ever since high school, from the beginning of freshman on uni and through sophomore year. It's not that he hated newcomers, he just didn't like new people in his group.

He was satisfied with his friends, six of them. They were always together, some of them were roommates and plus, they had their own dance channel, where they were uploading their very own choreos for different songs. So yeah, this newcomer kinda broke their usual routine. Seonghwa managed to ruin their friendship, as Hongjoong thought. He caught everyone’s attention, with his looks, dancing, and cleverness.

It wasn't Hongjoong now who was in charge of every little thing. Now it was Seonghwa, who not only was good at everything, but he was slightly older than Hongjoong, which meant that he was the oldest. 

It was the beginning of December and it was exactly twenty-one days ever since San introduced him to the group. He counted it ever since that day he became a thorn in his eye, the little black dot on his horizon. He remembered that day very clearly, it was one of the worst days in his life.

* * *

He got a B from the Music Theory. He got a fucking B and he was ashamed as never before.

Later that day, he sat in the cafeteria, waiting for the others, while holding a book, trying to learn the last few sentences.

_'You really outplayed yourself with this test, you idiot.'_

“Hey...Joong.” he heard a familiar voice. Mingi, Yunho, and Yeosang were in front of him, each of them grabbing the spot at the table.

“Where the hell were you” Hongjoong hissed at them, closing his book. “And where's the rest?”

The newcomers quickly exchanged glances. “Well, Jongho is...I think he's here somewhere. And the rest, well, they are also here... somewhere." Mingi said scratching his head. The rest nodded, looking everywhere but at Hongjoong.

“We need to make a plan for the new choreo. You know we uploaded a teaser picture on Instagram for that new Drake song? Does anyone remember? No?” Hongjoong grumbled, trying to look calm as much as he could. Everyone had different tasks regarding their dance channel and they usually made plans on a lunch break, but right now almost half of them were missing.

“I can call San if you want…” Yunho turned around, but he noticed a familiar figure down the hall. “Oh there he is.” he said and suddenly every head at the table turned around. The first thing that they noticed was that San was with an unknown company and that he was weirdly bouncy around the tall boy while walking towards them. Wooyoung was behind them, looking at the unknown boy’s bleached white hair with mouth agape.

When they were finally in front of the Hongjoong, San grinned towards the group of people who looked at them mostly curiously.

“Sorry we are late, I want you to meet my new roommate.” - San said, putting a hand on a tall boy's shoulder.

“I'm Seonghwa, nice to meet you all” - he greeted the group with a shy smile. All of them introduced themselves, except Hongjoong, who didn't even bother to look at him.

“Yeah, I remember seeing you around! You wanna join us for lunch?” Yunho asked, not even noticing Hongjoong's furious gaze on him.

Who caught his gaze, was none other than a newcomer, noticing how Hongjong was scanning him from head to toe until he caught his gaze. Hongjoong realizing what happened, blinks a few times as Seonghwa slightly raises his eyebrow at him, finally turning his head towards Yunho, faintly smiling.

“Thanks but I'm not really hungry. And my class is starting soon, so I'll be going now. I'm glad that I met you.. all” Seonhwa said the last word looking directly at Hongjoong, his deep dark eyes piercing through him. Hongjoong blankly stared at him as he was leaving.

“See ya later!” - San shouted at his friend. “ So what do you think about him?” He grinned. “He’s really tidy and clean, and he even cleaned the whole bathroom while I was away!”

“He looks so fucking pretentious, it almost hurts.” Hongjoong said biting his nails.

“What the fuck is your problem?” Yunho furrows his brows, looking at his friend.

“I don't like newcomers, all of you should know that. Besides, he looks like he has a pole in his ass.” Hongjoong fumed, angrily throwing his backpack.

San raised his finger like he was gonna say something, but instead, he scratched his head. “We thought he would be a good addition to our group because he's been doing all kinds of dances ever since he was young. Plus he's good-looking." Wooyoung said instead of San.

Hongjoong tilted his head towards him. “Did you two did some sort of drugs before you came here or what happened? You cannot just bring some random guy and ask me to put him in our group so suddenly.”

“I haven't told him anything yet about this idea, because I wanted to discuss it with you guys first.”-San murmured, looking disappointed as always. Behind him, a breathless Jongho showed.

“Hey, guys. Sorry, I was out, playing some basketball” -he said trying to catch some air.“What did I miss?”

* * *

A month later not only did he manage to get into the group, but he also managed to befriend everyone. Everyone besides Hongjoong.

San and Wooyoung were especially persistent about the idea of Seonghwa in the group, and Wooyoung, as smug as he was, knew ways around Hongjoong, so after a few drinks in a bar, and with his sweet, honey voice, he managed to convince him. Hongjoong can't remember how exactly. 

It was another thing that Hongjoong didn't like to talk about. His weakness towards Wooyoung, and how he made him feel.

It was... so different, and it felt so wrong in his mind, especially that he never liked a person of the opposite sex. He made out with girls before, he even had one girlfriend, but boys? It was a big _no_ from him.

And to make things even worse, he knew that Wooyoung was gay. Especially around San. He and Wooyoung had some sort of profound bond that was hard to describe to the people that didn't know them. They acted as a true couple most of the time, but he knew that they never did anything, cause, supposedly, San was straight. 

* * *

“Fine. I am sorry for my behavior towards Seonghwa. I was nervous and not in a mood to meet anyone else because I don't wanna ruin what we had built for almost three years as friends and popular dancers. Yeah. And then San came and said hey this random guy is good, lets put him in our group...:”

Hongjoong started his apology after seeing that the weird mood between San and him spread around the other members. They were starting to act so stiffened and non-communicative that it was so difficult to work with them.

Thankfully, Seonghwa had some work to do so he couldn't come, so Hongjoong thought it was the best time for fixing his mistake.

“....okay San, you don't have to act like a toddler here" Hongjoong continued after seeing that San was ignoring his speech. "First of all, as a good leader of this...popular dance group, I just wanted to apologize publicly to San who was right about Seonghwa. He _is_ a good dancer and I was wrong.”

All six of them looked at Hongjoong with some dose of doubtfulness, until San stood up.

“You should not apologize to me, but to him. You are still acting like a jerk towards Seonghwa, and you don't have a single right to do so. What did he do to you to treat him like that?” San looked visibly hurt, moving closer and closer to the chair on which Hongjoong stood. 

“Well then.” He didn't try to hide his shocked face. ”I'm gonna apologize to him” Hongjoong mouthed, coming down from the chair. 

“You better do, cause my classroom friend and I are having a party this weekend at his house so I want you all there. You can come too, under one condition. To apologize to him.” San said, taking his jacket off the rack, dressing. The rest of them followed him.

"Great, now you make conditions for me. " Hongjoong rolled his eyes, putting on his white scarf. He waited for everyone to go home, so he could lock it before he was stopped by the San at the exit. 

“No, really Hongjoong, stop being an ass okay?” San said blowing hot air on his fingers. Hongjoong folded his arms, already fuming. “And why would you think that I would hang out with him? I think me and him aren't that compatible to be friends.”

“Because you are the only one hating on him for no reason. He's a nice person and fun to be around. You should give him a chance” San sighted. It was hard for San to talk with Hongjoong, cause he knew that Hongjoong doesn't change his opinion on someone so easily. 

“I do not hate him. I just don't see a big fuss about him, hm?” Hongjoong raised his voice a little bit, shaking his hands.

“Because, you idiot, he lost his parents in an accident a few months before. And he is trying to move on. And he doesn't need you to trouble his days even more.” San snapped at Hongjoong, tipping at his toes. He was freezing at this point, cursing himself why he didn't he talked with Hongjoong inside. “ He was transferred in the dorms because he didn't want to live with his aunt. I felt sorry for him, that's why I wanted him in our group. He doesn't have many friends around.”

Hongjoong stared at the wall behind, eyes glued at the Exit sign. He felt like a total douche. No, he felt like a complete idiot now.

“I'm sorry San. I didn't know.”

“Hyung, you know that I love you, but sometimes you act like a total jerk towards...well towards everyone.” -San chuckled, faintly hugging him, cause he knew that Hongjoong wasn't really a fan of the touches.

“I know. I'm gonna make it up. Don't worry. I'm not a bad person.”


	2. THE HATE YOU GET

_Fine. I'm going to be fine and this party is going to be fine and everything is going to be fine._ Hongjoong assured himself, looking for an outfit. He decided it was best that he wears his black and blue turtleneck sweater along with his black jeans. He is going to be the first among the guests so he could mentally prepare. 

He didn't know why he was so nervous. Maybe the fact that he has to make it up to Seonghwa, but he looked so _intimidating_ most of the time and Hongjoong wasn't really that much of a confident type, nor the type who is gonna apologize first. It made things even worse for him.

  
  


“Hyung!” San waited for him at the door and he could hear loud music coming straight from the house. “Has anyone come before me?” He asked, giving San his jacket. 

“Yeah, a few people,” San said, inviting him inside. 

Hongjoong quickly looked around, scanning every person who was in the room and he sighed, relieved when he saw a few familiar faces from the uni. The main one didn't come yet. 

He stood next to the tv for good ten minutes before he decided it was stupid, _he was stupid,_ so he moved to the sofa. 

“What's that supposed to mean that Hongjoong came among the first guests?” -Mingi came to him, bringing him a plastic cup. 

“I just want to take a track of people. Maybe get drunk early and go to sleep so I can get up early to finish the project that I'm working on.” - Hongjoong took a sip of a cold, watery beer. Mingi nodded, inviting him into the kitchen where most of their group were. 

They all asked him the same damn question several times cause they knew that their eldest isn't really as punctual as the rest of them.

“I wanted to say that….hold on, hold on….We have fifty thousand subscribers! We fucking did it!” - The person who runs their channel, Wooyoung announced it by climbing on the chair, while attracting the look from other people in the kitchen who were inside by accident. Hearing that, they all started to scream, raising their plastic cups like they were filled with the most expensive champagne and not some cheap beer. 

“That's fucking great! We got the recognition, and we can thank one person, and that is Drake for making a great song.” - Yeosang said sarcastically and all of them started laughing uncontrollably. Hongjoong knew that it's their hard work and dedication that could do that. They started their channel two years ago and they already managed to collect so many fans. 

“So, what are we going to do for the 50k special?” -Yunho asked swinging left and right in the rhythm of the music, and Hongjoong noticed that he is starting to get tipsy.

“Better ask _how_ are we gonna celebrate, because I want some alcohol to be involved, that's for sure.” -Mingi replied, leaning to get yet another cup. 

“Leave it to the professionals. We are gonna celebrate by buying some quality meat, snacks, some food, alcohol _of course_ and boom, there you go. A quality party with lots of dancing and partying!” - Wooyoung exclaimed. Judging by the looks, everyone was up for it. 

“And it is different than this because...? ” Jongho pointed out, rolling his eyes out.

“Because it's going to be just us.” 

“And what about we call some...girls?" -Yunho suggested, raising his eyebrows, but Wooyoung made a disgusted face. 

“Fuck off Yunho. It's just our night, you don't need to get laid every single party, you know that? _”_

_This is not that bad, and I'm not even drunk._ Hongjoong thought, and as he knew, San showed up with none other than Seonghwa. 

Hongjoong felt like he's gonna throw up. 

“Hey guys, what's up.” - Seonghwa waved, adjusting awkwardly on the shelf near the door. His almost white hair was neatly slicked on one side, and what caught Hongjoong’s attention the most was a faded black eyeshadow on the corner of his eyes. 

_Was he awkward the whole time or just now?_

“We were waiting for you bro. Here” - Mingi said, giving him a cup. “You better start drinking soon because we were planning to get wasted!” 

Seonghwa looked at the glass, spinning it with his other hand slowly before raising it. “Cheers then!” 

They eventually moved to the living room where the real party was, and Hongjoong never felt worse in his life. Why was he so damn nervous? Besides that, Seonghwa was staring at him the whole time. 

For the first time after a month, he found Seonghwa not as repulsive as he thought in the beginning. 

_But that doesn't mean anything, it doesn't mean anything, goddamnit Hongjoong, get it together_ he thought, staring at his lean body. He changed his view to the Wooyoung who was messing with San. _Now he's someone that i can call...attractive...for a boy._

And as every good friend, Mingi saw that his friend was acting stranger than usual so he went to him again, where he stood in the right corner. 

“Shoot. What's eating you?” 

Hongjoong could notice that he, as Yunho, was tipsy, based on his moves and his hand right above his head, so he gave him a small grin.

“Nothing. I'm just...I have to make something right and I'm afraid.” -He tried to empower the music as loud as he could. 

“If this is about your dream about being a producer, then don't worry, you're gonna be the best one.” -he said, giving him a pat on his shoulder. That made him even more nervous, cause he had to be home by 12, because he really needed to finish that goddamn project. He had some beats in his mind, maybe even a few verses to put on a paper if he could come home at least half drunk. 

It was his second drink and he knew that in order to get drunk, he needed at least five of it. That's why he decided that he will take one more, to go and find Seonghwa, once for all, do the talking, and to go home.

Firstly he looked around, finding his friends among a few different groups. He was sure that San, Mingi, Yunho were now completely drunk, followed by Wooyoung who was somewhere between not that completely drunk and may seem like it, and Jongho who was talking with his crush, a popular girl, so Hongjoong knew he had to be at least tipsy in order to speak with her. Yeosang on the other hand was nowhere to be found so he decided it was best for him to find Seonghwa. 

And he did. After almost fifteen minutes of searching, he found him on the porch, a dark bottle in his hand. Hongjoong couldn't tell what was inside.

Seonghwa noticed him right away, turning and staring at him, one eyebrow raised up, as he was moving his gaze around Hongjoong's face, like a true predator. 

“Do you need something, mullet boy?” - Seonghwa broke the silence, turning his back on him. Hongjoong stared at his shoulders, shocked. It took him aback, and he started to stutter, his brain unable to comprehend this situacion. 

“I, i...i wanted to see you actually. I want to apologise to you, I was rude, I know and I'm sorry. I didn't know your situation and again I'm sorry.” - he mumbled. 

“I don't need people to feel sorry for me, and I don't need your apology cause I can see that you are drunk and it’s not honest as it should be.” - Seonghwa stood up from the porch, standing directly less than a meter from him. Hongjoong started sweating, noticing that the boy was taller than him for a good ten centimeters. He also noticed that his top lip was a little bigger than his bottom lip and he kinda lost himself for a bit in his mind. 

“I'm not drunk at all. I'm just relaxed and my apology is honest. But if you don't want to accept it, then fine, be alone now.” - he heard himself saying that, and yet again he cursed loudly when he closed the front door. 

He tried to find San, to inform him that he's gonna head back to the dorm, but he wasn’t anywhere to be found.

“Hey, where's San? Have you seen him?” - he asked Mingi who danced like there's no tomorrow. He didn't know how the hell was that boy still on his feet.

“Upstairs!” - he shouted in his ear and Hongjoong went deaf for a moment. So he climbed and went to the last door in the hall, cause he overheard someone talking, but once he was in, nobody was inside. Still, some of the noises were coming from the door next to the bathroom, and he decided that San was probably there. So he opened it and almost fell on the floor when he saw San and Wooyoung making out on the bed. He quickly said _sorry_ and ran downstairs, completely bewildered. 

He was sure that they didn't notice him, and he really hoped that he was dreaming.

Towards the exit, he noticed Seonghwa standing in the same company, where Yunho was. They were laughing about something and he felt a fit of jealousy stabbing his almost drunken heart.

Was Seonghwa really planning to take over his friends? 

Not on his watch. 


	3. A LONG ASS RIDE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are getting better between Hongjoong and Seonghwa...?

The next morning Hongjoong did everything that he intended to, from waking up at 6 a.m to finishing his project. From time to time he would log to Instagram just to see if someone uploaded something from last night, but there was nothing for the first half of the day. 

Around 2 p.m, he ordered some Bibimbap, and while he was waiting, he logged in again. There it was. A post from none other than Mingi. Six of them were smiling in the photo with Seonghwa peeking from behind, smiling. He blinked a few times in disbelief, shaking his head. 

_ I don't have time for this, fuck.  _

  
  
  
  


............

  
  
  
  


**From: Wooyoung**

Yo. Are you still sleeping?

**From: Wooyoung**

Or…..

**From: Wooyoung**

Hongjoong!

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**To: Wooyoung**

I was working on my project. I should ask you that question. 

  
  
  


**From: Wooyoung**

I just got up and I don't know how I'm gonna survive today. Do you wanna drop by later? Bring something for my head, please.

  
  
  
  


**To: Wooyoung**

I'm almost done, so... I'll be there for roughly half an hour. 

  
  
  
  


He sighed, looking around the room. Suddenly one thing crossed his mind. His roommate was still missing and although he was kinda worried about him, he knew that he had to be somewhere around. After all, he was in the picture with them. Still, he called him a few times, feeling nervous with each voice message telling him that he was 'unreachable at the moment' 

  
  
  
  


He walked to the Wooyoung’s room, praying that he would be alone. And there he was, alone, lying in the dark with his pajamas on.

“Don't even try Hongjoong! Light is my sworn enemy right now, don't turn on that light!” - he screeched at him when Hongjoong reached out for the light switch. 

“I'm not planning to sit here with you in the dark like some idiot.”

“Don't be rude, you know.” Wooyoung stood up to turn on a small lamp, revealing few lovebites on his neck. "Here. It's not completely dark." Hongjoong shook his head, jealousy taking over.

“So, start talking. What happened when I left?” Hongjoong sat on the bed, hands sandwiched between thighs as he stared at his wrecked friend with curiosity. 

“I don't remember when you disappeared. I don't remember anything, to be honest. I just…” -Wooyoung zoned out for a bit. “ ..I had a slight blackout and it was fun" 

"Yeah it was fun...for someone, but not for me." 

"Did you talk with Seonghwa by the way?”

Hongjoong rolled his eyes. “Yes, I actually did. I apologized and he said that he didn't want my apology and well, I don't know honestly what he thinks he is but I did my part.” 

Wooyoung was left with his mouth open. “Really? Wow, you must have messed up badly in his book” -he said, shaking his head. 

“HE fucked up in MY book. I apologized like a good person I am and if I'm not mistaken, he isn't one.” - Hongjoong waved his hands, a small habit of his when he gets angry, and it made Wooyoung chuckle. “Don't be ridiculous Joong. I'm sure you gonna figure it out someday.” 

“Is he planning to be a part of our best friend club? Cause…” 

“Shut it” Wooyoung interrupted him, throwing a small pink pillow on him. “You're the only person in our group that doesn't like him.” 

“Can we please change the subject? I don't need another Choi San.” -Hongjoong pleaded, throwing back the same pillow on him. 

“Whatever honestly, I know you're gonna like him at the end. He’s sexy and I wouldn't mind sleeping with him at least once. ” - Wooyoung licked his lips, deep in his thoughts, while Hongjoong was pretending that he didn't hear the last part. He started to get uncomfortable in his lower parts, mostly because Wooyoung was doing exactly what he was good at. Being a flirt.

"So...did you hook up with someone last night? - Hongjoong asked, biting his tongue. He wanted to see if he was going to tell him alone or he should leave it...for now.

“You know...I'm not sure…” - Wooyoung said, looking everywhere but at Hongjoong. “...I think I made out with someone but I'm not sure with who” -He said scratching his neck. “By the way how do you know?” 

Hongjoong gulped for a second. “I can see your hickeys” 

“Oh” - he started rubbing it. “ I have to be careful next time” - He gave him a sour smile as he got up to drink water. 

“By the way, where is Yeosang? I haven't seen him ever since….we got there” Hongjoong asked, noticing a few notifications on his mobile phone. “Oh wait, I think is from him!” Wooyoung sat next to Hongjoong, both of them staring at the screen. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Tough fellaz**

  
  
  
  


**From: Sangieboy**

.!!!! Fuck you all for not caring where am i. I almost died in the bush next to that house and no one even tried to search for me, and in the morning I was awakened by this lady, who happens to be the mother of my ex-girlfriend and at that moment I wished I died. 

  
  
  
  


**From: YunHO**

What the hell dude…

  
  
  
  


**From: Sangieboy**

She drove me off to the hospital, where I waited for the whole fucking day, only to be kicked out, for not having my ID.... and I lost my phone, but it was at my friend's house…..I anyway, it was a mess and I wish to thank my roommate Hongjoong who called me few times. You are the real friend. 

Rest of you….can drop dead.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Are you seeing this?” - Hongjoong blinked at Wooyoung who was almost on the floor, screeching. 

“I cannot believe this, oh my god! Yeosang sleeping in the fucking bush? How and WHY DID I MISS THAT!” -Wooyoung was still laughing, while Hongjoong was more concerned about how the fuck did he managed to be that drunk to sleep in the bush. 

“So I'm leaving you to laugh. I have to go home, you know, to study and stuff” 

Wooyoung walked him to the door, giving him a small peck on his cheek.

"Bye Joong. Say hi to the Yeosang!" 

He would be lying if he said that he didn't feel sparks going through his body. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“You know, if I knew what I know today I sure wouldn't be here today!” - Mingi mumbled as he stuffed the last piece of rice cake in his mouth. 

“What the hell are you talking about?” - Yeosang smacked him on the shoulder, as Mingi started coughing. 

“I was talking about how my best friend Yunho went to see this random girl, rather than being here with us. I'm offended.”

“I shouldn't have told you that. You're being delirious if you think the sentence _ bros before hoes _ is still valid.” - Jongho cackled, as Mingi ripped his napkin in half. 

“You gotta understand his needs, Mingi.” - Seonhwa chuckled, still chewing his noodles. 

“All I'm gonna say is that Yunho needs to keep his dick in his pants because this is his third time he did this.” 

Hongjoong was sitting at the very end of the table, judging them with his arms crossed. It has been almost a month since the party fiasco and during that time, Seonhwa started hanging out with them more and more, while Hongjoong was mentally absent most of the time. Truthfully, Seonghwa started talking with Hongjoong too, but only if needed, and the whole thing felt exhausting for Hongjoong. He didn't start conversations as before, nor was he engaging in one. And if he tried to say no to their gathering with him, he knew they would be attacking him for hating Seonghwa, so he went, unwillingly. 

The worst part is that he was invited to go for a ride with Seonghwa and Mingi later, by none other than Seonghwa. 

Truthfully, he didn't want to, but Mingi begged him to come with them, and Yeosang, like every good friend, literally kicked him out of the dorm when he heard it. 

“Go and hang out with him. It will change your awkward relationship at least a little bit. “ - Yeosang said as he sprayed his perfume all over the Hongjoong, who was everything but ready for it. 

They were waiting for him in the parking lot, and he gulped, seeing Seonghwa dressed in a leather jacket, with sunglasses on. It was windy afternoon and he didn't need them, but since he looked like a bad boy, it was acceptable, while Mingi stood next to him, with a similar jacket, looking like his sidekick. 

It reminded Hongjoong of Batman and Robin with a batmobile, so he started laughing in the middle of the road. 

“What’s so funny Hongjoong? You're late.” - Mingi said, urging him to hurry. 

“Cmon, I wanted to catch a sunset.” -Seonghwa said closing the door. 

Hongjoong ended up sitting in the back seat, regretting this little adventure as soon as Seonghwa hit hundred at the highway. 

He cursed under his breath, clutching hard for the new leather seats, as he prayed silently, even though he wasn't a religious guy. 

“Are you having fun?” - Seonghwa asked, glancing at Hongjoong in the rear mirror. Hongjoong felt like he was going to puke. 

“Fuck no” 

“Then, hold on tight cause we’re going even faster” - Seonghwa declared, hitting the 150. 

Mingi screamed, turning the volume on the speakers. 

Hongjoong fainted for a second. 

When he opened his eyes again, he couldn't say if he was dead or did he dreamed all of that. The first thing that he saw was Seonghwa, and his side profile, glasses on his head, as he was bathing in the sunrays. The view was beautiful, as he could hear some soft music was playing in the background and he was sure that he died. 

It all seemed too perfect. 

“You woke up! Congrats! You missed the most fun part!” - Mingi turned around, looking at Hongjoong who was still peeking through one eye. 

So he was alive. 

He opened both of his eyes, looking around. They were close to the dorms, as he saw a familiar statue of their University. 

They stopped in the parking lot, parking on the same spot where he was, and Hongjoong got out of the car, barely standing. 

“Hope you had fun” - Seonghwa smiled, supporting him with the arm around him. 

All that he could do was to blink at his reaction. 

“See ya later pal, and thanks for the ride.” - Mingi said, leaving. Hongjoong moved a little bit, letting go of Seonghwa's hug. 

“Yeah, thanks” - Hongjoong said, rubbing his eye. 

“No problem, anytime” - He gave him a big smile, and Hongjoong knew, Yeosang was right. 

Something has indeed changed.


	4. TRUTH UNTOLD

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hongjoong finally admits what was troubling him.

“Dude, I told you, something is going on between them!” - Jongho firmly said, looking at Yeosang. 

“Even if it did, why do you care? I mean, do we really care who Wooyoung is taking to the bed? I really don't want to know. “- Yeosang brushed it off, rolling his eyes. 

“Yeah but it's San we’re talking about. I would never guess it honestly.” - Jongho said, bobbing his head up and down. 

“Can we please stop talking about them? I don't care who is sleeping with who. ” - Hongjoong interrupted the conversation, trying to hide what he already knew what was going on. He felt uneasy, and he was going to stop it. 

It was another dance practice, and they were just finished filming themselves. Wooyoung made sure that the new camera that they bought is gonna work wonders, so they filmed twice. Just to be sure. 

But as Jongho said, something indeed was different between Wooyoung and San. Someone who knows them well enough could notice that they didn't interact not even once ever since they came. 

Wooyoung was screaming around like usual, but it was something weird about his behavior, like whatever he was doing, he did on purpose. 

Mostly by his behavior towards Hongjoong. He was his main target, jumping around him, teasing him, or just nonchalantly dancing around him. 

That didn't bother Hongjoong at all, as he was enjoying it deep inside of him, but the thing that threw him out was when Wooyoung kissed him right on the corner of his lips, after a quick conversation about their parents. 

Hongjoong stood there, frozen in time and space, touching the place where he kissed him. 

Nobody really noticed cause it's just normal behavior for Wooyoung, but Seonghwa did, squinting at him, and Hongjoong ran to the bathroom. 

There he was, trying to collect himself. It made him uneasy. Why was he more concerned about Seonghwa’s gaze more than anything? Wasn’t he supposed to be...happy about the fact that someone who he  _ liked  _ kissed him? 

He opened the tap water, drinking from it and splashing some on his face. 

There. 

Now he looks normal again.

* * *

**_“_** I think I _kinda_ like Park Seonghwa.” - Hongjoong blurted out after staring at the food for too long, and noticing how something in his stomach was crawling. Yeosang, who was sitting across him, almost started choking with the udon noodles. 

It was a sunny March morning, and they were outside, eating their lunch. Hongjoong decided he had to tell his secret to someone. And that someone was Yeosang. 

“Wha?...”-Yeosang started coughing, hitting his chest…” Hold up, weren’t you straight, and weren’t you hating on him like, until yesterday?” 

Hongjoong sighted, his lips forming a thin line. “Well, I…I don't know to be honest. I was...I saw his true nature I guess. He’s really smart and handsome, and…”

“You were a dickhead before, yeah we all know that story, but still, I don't understand what the hell happened in your brain that you literally changed your sexual orientation?”- Yeosang pointed at him, still blinking. 

“I don't know, it happened.” - Hongjoong tried to hide under his turtleneck, wondering if this was a good idea. “ We..we were dancing and I looked at the mirror where he was standing, and suddenly there was this feeling that wasn't there before.” 

“That's called butterflies...or  _ boom I'm suddenly gay for Seonghwa _ ” -Yeosang whispered, chuckling. 

“You are not helping Yeosang! Whenever I think about him I get this feeling of sickness” -he whined. 

“So that means...you two are okay now? “ - Yeosang asked. 

Hongjoong glared at him. “ Yes, we are okay. But  _ I'm _ not okay and for the love of God, you are the only one who knows that, and I told you because I needed to vent!” - he grabbed his hair in frustration. 

“It's okay. Stuff like that happens.”-he tapped him on the shoulder. ”Besides, I'm like Oprah. I can give the best advice ever known to humanity.”

Hongjoong shook his head. 

“You cannot tell anyone.”

Yeosang started laughing. He never expected this to happen, not in a million times. 

“You know, I noticed that you slightly changed your attitude towards Seonhwa, but the actual truth has never crossed my mind honestly.” 

“What the fuck should I do Oprah?” Hongjoong was still whining, unable to process his feelings and Yeosang blabbering. Only he knew that it all started when they went to that goddamn ride with him and Mingi, but he decided not to tell. 

“Embrace it. Maybe confess if you're confident. “ Yeosang shrugged. 

“Are you out of your goddamn mind? Maybe I should also confess that I had a girlfriend once and that was it, as far as my love affairs are concerned. “

“Really? One girlfriend?” 

“Shut your mouth and let's go. Our classes are starting soon. ”

* * *

Hongjoong was sweating in the car, mainly because of two things. 

Firstly, because it was almost 32 degrees, and secondly because they were waiting for Seongwa to come. 

He wasn't informed that Yeosang called Seonhwa to come with them to the mall, so he let out a small scream when he realized who they had been waiting for in a car for almost ten minutes. 

“Why didn't you tell me? I could dress up nicely.” - Hongjoong said through the teeth, seeing Seonghwa getting closer to the car. He had a slightly darker hair color, almost honey brown, shifted on his left side. It suited him nicely. 

“I wanted to surprise you” - Yeosang chuckled, right before Seonghwa entered the car. 

“Hey” - Seonghwa smiled, his cologne filling up the car. 

Hongjoong was drowning in the smell of magnolia and roses. 

“Hey, I didn't know you were coming” - Hongjoong asked innocently, turning his torso behind, looking straight at him.

“Yeosang called me half an hour ago, asking me to come, so I didn't know either.” - Seonghwa titled his head, his dark eyes shining. 

“Well, I'm glad you came. Yeosang can be a very boring person when it comes to shopping.”- Hongjoong smiled awkwardly, turning forward. 

“Hey hey, I won't come if you have a problem with me.” - Yeosang threatened and Seonghwa chuckled.  “It would be awfully boring without you, my friend.” 

“You are the real friend here Seonghwa, not this traitor.” Yeosang said, driving through the traffic, cursing when someone would honk him. 

Hongjoong shrugged. “You know I love you Yeosang, but I'm speaking the truth. You start whining the moment you need to buy something for yourself. " 

Their trip to the mall was divided into three sections. 

First, the actual running for the things they’ve been planning to buy. 

After an hour and a half, Hongjoong managed to find swimming pants and flip flops, Seoghwa bought a bucket hat, and Yeosang, well, Hongjoong was right. He was dying from boredom after ten minutes. 

Secondly, they went to Starbucks after shopping, for a cup of coffee, or in the Seonghwa case, a milkshake. 

Yeosang talked about how Wooyoung almost drowned last summer when they went to the public pool, as poor Seonghwa almost choked on his milkshake. 

Hongjoong was in his own world as always. 

Thirdly, when Hongjoong remembered that someone had to clean the studio before they leave for summer vacation, and of course no one wanted to do it, so he accepted it, along with Seonhwa.  Yeosang, as he said, was  _ too tired to do anything  _ so he had to go home. Hongjoong knew it well that Yeosang was pretending, because he winked at him at the exit, leaving him alone with Seonghwa. 

They were cleaning in total silence, for almost an hour, before Hongjoong broke it. 

“You look nice with that hair color” - Hongjoong said, leaving the mop to dry. Seonghwa, clean freak as he is, was cleaning the windows. 

“Oh, thanks. San and I went together to the hair salon yesterday.” - He said, leaving the cloth on the floor and following Hongjoong. “Also, you too look pretty with red hair. It suits your quirky personality.” 

They both ended up in the storage room, only a few inches separating them. 

“Thanks.” -Hongjoong said, his face already in tone with his hair. 

“Hongjoong, I….” - Seonhwa sighted, blocking the entrance with his body.  Storage room had no light, and the only light was coming behind Seonghwa, who looked rather ominous. “I want to know if we’re good now. I'm really thankful that you let me in your group, and I really adore all of the guys. But with you...I still don't know if I can call you a friend, and I really want for us to be good friends” -Seonghwa said carefully, while Hongjoong still couldn't see his face. 

“Yeah, sure, we’re good” -Hongjoong nodded quickly, feeling his body tensing. 

“Good” - Seonghwa finally moved, with a big smile on his face. “I really think that you’re amazing as a songwriter. But as every musician, you, too, are unreachable.” 

“Firstly, I'm not a songwriter, I'm a producer. But I appreciate that compliment, once again.” 

Seonghwa snorted, as he wrapped his arms around Hongjoong shoulders. Hongjoong panicked for a moment, not knowing what the hell he was trying, but Seonghwa released him immediately afterwards.

They called a taxi, saying goodbye to each other as Hongjoong was first to leave. 

“See ya tomorrow, Joong.” - he waved, giving him the warm smile. 

“See ya” - Hongjoong said, getting in the taxi, barely alive. 

That night he couldn't sleep. He dreamt about kissing Seonghwa’s pink lips. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You probably noticed how their hair color is changing with every chapter. That's because this story begins roughly with the 'Kq fellaz' era and ending with 'Inception' era. Therefore the action takes place between 2018 and 2020.  
> Also, their dorms are inspired by Seoul National University dormitory.  
> Current roommates are:  
> Yeosang and Hongjoong  
> San and Seonghwa  
> Yunho and Wooyoung, while Mingi lives alone. They all are somehow the same age except Jongho, who is a year younger, therefore Jongho lives in a different dorm. (he is still close to them)


	5. WE ARE NOT BORN EVIL

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summer vacation & some harsh words.  
> t/w for mentions of suicide

………………………………………………………

Tuesday, August 16, 2018

Minah Kim, M.D 

1 pm. Third transcripted session with Seonghwa, Park. 

_Doctors note: “Mr. Park looks better overall. No signs of repeated suicidal thoughts or manic episodes. He attempted suicide by overdosing in his room on Monday, 21 of July, few weeks after the tragic death of his parents. “_

  
  
  


Dr. Kim: How are you feeling Seonghwa? 

Mr. Park: Well, I'm having...I guess you could say I must’ve grown numb from all of this medicine that I'm having. 

Dr. Kim: If you want I can reduce the dose…

Mr. Park: No. I think I couldn't live without it. 

Dr. Kim: I understand. Do you want to talk about what happened in your room? 

Mr. Park: There's nothing to be said, doctor. I tried to kill myself. I felt immense guilt. I felt like...I know I belong with the living but I don't know what I'm here for anymore. My life has lost its meaning. 

Dr. Kim: You have to understand that it's not your fault what happened to your parents. You're not the one to blame. 

Mr. Park: Doctor...do you think that this is gonna pass one day? This...ah...what is it..a hole in my chest? 

Dr. Kim: Give it time. Everything passes, eventually. 

………………………………………………………

“Goddamnit, I forgot my flip flops” - Jongho whined, rumbling through his bag. Mingi, who was sitting beside him, spilled his soda, because Jongho jerked his hand too strongly, and from that, the chaos began. 

Yunho, sitting behind them, stood up, taking away the half-empty soda, saying that Mingi stole from him while he was sleeping. Mingi strongly denied, saying that his soda was in his other bag. An elderly lady turned to shush them, but they continued to bicker. Then, Yeosang switched his seat with Jongho, who was now sitting with angry Seonhwa, awoken from his nap. 

San, who was sitting with Yunho, complained that he was sick after he ate three full bags of chips. 

All of that happened within an hour since they entered the bus, and poor Hongjoong, all he could do was to stare at them, unable to do anything. He didn't know why the hell he agreed on this trip with them. It was a pain in the ass for him to organize everything in the first place, but with a little help from Yunho, and his geographical knowledge, they managed to book their trip to the Yangyang.

The loudest of them all, Wooyoung, wasn't giving any sign of being there. He had his earphones on, looking through the window. 

“Are you okay?” - he nudged him, breaking his daydreaming. He looked at him, blinking in the distance. 

“I'm okay. I just.. I'm kinda tired. Didn't sleep last night that well.” - Wooyoung licked his lips.

Their conversation intrigued someone who was carefully listening to their conversation. Hongjoong raised his head, seeing San's glance being quickly reallocated to something else. Wooyoung noticing that, let out a small grunt. 

_You two fought_ \- Hongjoong said inaudibly. How could he be so stupid? _Of course, they were fighting._

That would’ve explained Wooyoung's weird moods throughout the day and why he was avoiding him.

So he closed his eyes, trying not to think about it that much. He knew that this was probably temporary. 

They arrived right when it started to get dark. It was a pretty tiring ride, but once they got off the bus, it was like a fight never happened. 

For a couple of minutes. 

The other bus ride was short, and it left them right in front of the hotel, where everyone rushed inside, wanted to explore the city as soon as possible. 

“Guys. We have to decide who will be in the rooms with whom since some beds will be with king-sized beds and some will be divided.“ -Seongwa tried to calm the mob, and they, hearing that, started fidgeting between themselves. 

“Let's just do paper rock, scissors, it's useless the other way.” - Yunho rolled his eyes, and they all agreed on that. Hongjoong didn't even remember what he chose, but he heard his name being paired with San's. 

Great. 

Mingi ended up with Seonghwa, Yeosang with Yunho, and Wooyoung with Jongho. 

“Does anyone want to change?” - Seonghwa asked, hands on his hip, eyebrow raised. 

San and Hongjoong looked at each other. 

“No.” 

“Fine then.” - Seonghwa marched inside, followed by the others. 

They took their keys, all randomly in each room. Hongjoong ran to the room with San, carefully opening the room and finding that they were the lucky ones, getting a king-sized one. 

San stared awkwardly at Hongjoong who rolled his eyes at this situation. 

What happened, he used to be close with San. They both wanted to be big when they grow up, that's why they made their dance channel. They both would stay up until 5 a.m, checking the views and answering the comments. San would have a sleepover at his house regularly and they would be talking about their childhood adventures until dawn. 

Until San started hanging out with Wooyoung when they went to the University. 

And Hongjoong reconciled with the fact that he wasn't close with San as he used to. He never blamed Wooyoung either, cause, well, it was Wooyoung, and Hongjoong appreciated him, perhaps in another way than anyone else. 

But ever since San started hanging out with Seonghwa, he has become unrecognizable. They barely talked, and it bothered him the most. 

Hongjoong noticed that, Wooyoung noticed that. They all noticed that but no one said anything, simply because it wasn't something that they would discuss. Now, knowing on top of all that Wooyoung isn't talking with him either, as it seems, he couldn't help, but think, is all of that Seonghwa's fault? 

So he decided that he needs to do something about it. Firstly, he carefully went to the left side of the bed, leaving his backpack next to it. 

“This is my side of the bed. And if you snore, I will kick you out.” - Hongjoong declared, finger pointed at San, who looked lowkey concerned. 

“Yeah”- San smiled sweetly. “I remember, and don't worry, I won't snore.”

“San. Relax. I'm joking.” -Hongjoong blinked, seeing how much San's body language screams _get away from me._

“Is anything wrong, San?” 

“I….” San was interrupted by Mingi, who burst into the room so suddenly that both Hongjoong and San jumped. 

“You two have a king-sized bed? Wow, I'm jealous.” Mingi looked around, as Hongjoong tried to kick them out. 

“Wow, a king-sized bed.” - Seonghwa repeated, looking around as was entering the room behind Mingi. 

“Are you jealous Hwa?” - San asked, lowering his head, voice deeper than usual. 

“I cannot say I'm not.” - Seonghwa looked at Hongjoong, whose hand was on Mingi’s abdomen, trying to move him.

"If I hate something, it's uninvited people with dirty shoes in my room." Hongjoong squealed, almost wrestling with Mingi. 

"Well, have fun you two, and try not to kill each other" Seonghwa said, leaving with Mingi. 

* * *

Hongjoong had a plan after dinner, and that plan was to get San to tell him what is going on, cause he, as he thought, had every right to know, as their eldest. 

San, on the other hand, was on his phone ever since they came, playing games, or randomly laughing with himself. 

“Share with me, I want to laugh too” -Hongjoong licked his lips, hoping that this wasn't too random. 

San lifted his head, eyes still on the phone. He was typing something. 

“Oh, it's just...nothing really. I read something stupid.” - he grinned. 

“Do you... wanna finish that conversation of ours maybe?” - Hongjoong knew that he was walking on pins and needles with this. 

San muttered something under his breath, as Honngjoong could decipher only the word 'Wooyoung'.

"What happened between you and Woo?” -Hongjoong deadpanned. Apparently, he caught him unprepared, cause San started fidgeting in the bed, leaving his phone abruptly. 

“What happened between Woo and me?” -San retorted, blinking at Hongjoong. 

“I don't know, I'm asking you. Wooyoung is talking with everyone but you, and don't you think that I didn't notice. I cannot look at him anymore, being sullen as usual, and knowing that it's probably your fault. ” - Hongjoong said, with no emotion whatsoever. 

_Maybe I'm just tired_

“It’s….its just...he's being a dumbass and a drama queen, that's all.” San muttered, taking back his phone. It made Hongjoong fuming with anger, cause this wasn't the answer that he was hoping for. He couldn't hold on anymore so he sighted. “I saw you two kissing back in November, at your party” -Hongjoong heard himself. He regretted it the same second when he heard a small gasp, seeing San so shocked. 

“You..you saw us?” - San’s hands keep trembling as he stares at Hongjoong, almost with some kind of hatred. Hongjoong nodded, biting his lips. Why did he mention that? 

“I noticed that you two were awkward around each other ever since that night.” - Hongjoong scratched the nape of his neck. He didn't know what else to say. Again, things were going in a different direction than he expected. 

“Maybe if you could stop noticing things that aren't your problem and minding your own business, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now.” - San suddenly snapped back at Hongjoong. It left him speechless. “And it's none of your business to ask such stupid questions. It is our personal thing.” - San said, taking his backpack and shoving his charger inside. It was clear to Hongjoong that his curiosity was a mistake. San went to the bathroom, leaving with a toothbrush in one hand and shoving the rest of his clothes in the backpack. When he was close to the door, he turned around, looking at Hongjoong who was still sitting on the floor, confused. 

“A little advice to you. Stop thinking that you are so important to this group. You're not the center of the world Hongjoong. And if you don't stop acting like that, trust me, you’re gonna end up _all_ alone” - he warned him, smacking the door behind him, leaving Hongjoong on the verge of tears. 

He didn't know how long he sat there all alone before Yeosang showed at the door with his luggage, visibly shocked. 

“What the hell happened?” - Yeosang asked, leaving his stuff on the floor and sitting next to Hongjoong. He noticed a worry on his face, and he knew that Yeosang isn't an emotional kind of guy, so he dropped a tiny smile on his face. 

“Do you think that I'm an asshole? Am I really that intolerable?” Hongjoong knew what San said was true, and he knew that he was probably wrong, for starting that conversation. He knew that San can be mean towards everyone whom he didn't approve of. 

“You can act like one, for sure, but that doesn't mean that you are an asshole.” -Yeosang chuckled, patting him on his shoulder. “But you are mean towards people you love.”

Hongjoong hugged him, letting a tiny “thanks” before Yeosang spoiled the moment with “enough with this gay stuff”.

“So tell me why San stormed into our room, demanding that we have to switch, looking angry as fuck?” - Yeosang stretched, falling on the bed. Hongjoong was still unsure whether he should tell Yeosang about Wooyoung and San. 

“It was… it was nothing. We had a little discussion that turned into a big one.” Hongjoong said, looking at his phone. It was almost midnight and he was tired. Yeosang was in his pajamas, in a bed, already with his eyes half-closed. 

“And you sure this isn't about San and Seonghwa?” 

Hongjoong blinked. 

“The what?” 

Yeosang sighted, hand on his eyes. _Fuck._

"Yeosang? What about them?" Hongjoong felt his breathing getting shorter and shorter with every second. 

“I think that they are in some sort of relationship”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's only the beginning of the mess.


	6. CROWNLESS AGAIN SHALL BE THE KING

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WooJoong nation rise!

Hongjoong stared at the painting long enough to know that it has exactly 41 blue and 33 red dots on it. 

It was hard for him to comprehend what Yeosang said to him. On the other hand, Yeosang was cursing quietly. 

“I'm sorry, Hongjoong, I thought that...I thought you two fought because of him!” He pleaded. 

“It's okay, Yeosang. At least I know now what happened.” - Hongjoong sighted, his brain confused by this. 

It was so obvious when he thinks about it, and he was too dumb and too focused on San and Wooyoung to notice the main culprit behind their ruined... friendship.

“Hongjoong...take this with a grain of salt. This was only my assumption, cause I saw them kissing. Okay, maybe they weren't kissing, but they sure hugged weirdly" Yeosang said, looking at Hongjoong who was still mentally gone. 

“So did you saw them kissing or not?” 

Yeosang gulped. He wasn't sure either, but for the mental sake of his friend, he did something that he rarely did. Lying. 

"You know what, I'm sure they just hugged, and he kissed him on the cheek. I don't know why I told you they kissed elsewhere in the first place cause clearly, his head was turned on the other side..." Yeosang stopped, seeing Hongjoong's face getting a little brighter. " Yes, I'm fucking sure." 

Hongjoong nodded, feeling some sort of burning in his chest. He could clearly hear his mind chanting loudly about Seonghwa, as he was falling asleep. 

  
  


A headache and bitterness welcomed him in the morning. 

Was he avoiding San and Seonghwa? Yes. 

Were they avoiding him? No. 

He stood with the rest of the members in front of the building, waiting for Wooyoung, trying to keep his distance between him and San...and Seonghwa for some reason. 

“Hurry the fuck up, it’s going to be really hot later! “ - Mingi screamed at Wooyoung who was dragging slowly towards them, looking worse than usual. 

And Hongjoong was trying to understand what happened, so he just hugged him. Wooyoung didn't even flinch, his hand nonchalantly resting on Hongjoong shoulder. 

Yunho and Mingi started running towards the water, competing who would be faster. 

Behind them, Jongho dragged poor Yeosang, who struggled to run away from him but without any success. 

San was still glancing at Wooyoung, who managed to find a free spot on the beach, scattering his towel on the sand. Hongjoong decided it would be best for him to be with Wooyoung, so he sat on his towel, squinting at Wooyoung who was taking off his shirt. 

“You like the view, don't you Joong?” -Wooyoung tossed his shirt at surprised Hongjoong. 

“I'm not sure there is anything that I can like, especially in my sight” - he replied. Weirdly enough, Wooyoung was always in a mood to tease Hongjoong. 

“You're such a tease” - Wooyoung pouted, sitting freely between Hongjoong’s legs. 

Needless to say, it made Hongjoong not wanting to stand up for the next half an hour. 

  
  
  
  
  


“Hey, wake up.” 

Hongjoong opened his eyes, catching Seonghwa’s face looking at him from above. His hair was wet, drops falling straight on Hongjoong’s neck. It made him shiver.

He fell asleep the minute Wooyoung stood up, looking for a place to eat.

“Can you apply sunscreen to my back? I can’t reach it and the others are in the water.” 

He nodded, standing up. Seonghwa gave him the sunscreen, turning around and sitting straight onto Hongjoong’s towel. His cold body touched Hongjoong’s burning hot and he winced a little bit. 

“Thanks by the way. I tried to wake up Yunho, but it’s impossible.” - He said pointing at Yunho, who was under the big shade, sleeping peacefully. 

“Yeah, it is difficult to wake him up.” - Hongjoong chuckled, already forgetting about his hideous plan to run away in the water. His hands were trembling a little bit, but he managed to cover him up with the sunscreen. 

“There. We are done.” 

“Thanks, Hongjoong.” he smiled at him. “You are adorable when you wake up” 

Hongjoong flutters at this comment, mouth agape as his brain completely stopped working. 

“Um, thanks, you too” - Was all he could say at the moment. Seonghwa chuckled leaving him with his thoughts. 

_Did you really say “you too” to him?_ He thought, feeling sick to his stomach, again. 

“Sir, your card has been declined.” 

Hongjoong stared at the waiter, who was politely bowing to him, returning his card to him. 

“How is that possible, I just received my paycheck!” - Hongjoong protested, looking both at the card and the waiter. 

“Hey, it's okay, I will pay” - Seonghwa said, taking out his card. He leaned over Hongjoong to reach the waiter, suffocating him as usual with his expensive perfume. It almost seemed like he was doing that on purpose. 

“But, I have money, I'm sure this is some kind of misunderstanding.” - Hongjoong said, shaking his head. He tried to call the bank, but Seonghwa just waved it off. 

“I said I will pay this time. Don't make a big deal out of this, okay?” 

Rest of the members were quietly enjoying this drama, finishing their drinks. They were out for the dinner, and it was Hongjoong’s turn to pay for it, but as it seems, he isn't going to pay for anything this vacation, only with his dignity. 

Not only that he was embarrassed, but he couldn't believe what was happening to him and why the fuck has to be always Seonghwa in the middle of his problems. 

It was their second day, _second and a half,_ in Yangyang and he already managed to fuck things up with San, got embarrassed like never in his life, and on top of that, he got sunburned. 

So, it wasn't strange that he cried in the shower shortly after that, spilling the cold water on him, when he heard a loud banging on the door.

“Hurry the fuck up Hongjoong, we are gonna be late!” 

_Oh yeah._

They had reservations in the nightclub and he was contemplating whether he should go or just stay in his room, crying himself to sleep. He was cranky and moody and those two did not go together with partying. 

“You will definitely come with us, like it or not. I’m not gonna leave you here, knowing that you’re gonna be bawling your eyes out, _especially on my pillow._ “ - Yeosang threatened when he came inside the bathroom, seeing Hongjoong’s puffy face, alongside with the red nose and red eyes.

Hongjoong had to say yes, because he was blackmailing him about his plants being left at Yeosang's sister.

So he got out of the shower five minutes later, having nothing but the small towel around his waist, doing the breathing exercises just before he unlocked the door, and right when he was on number _nine_ he slowly opened the door.

Wooyoung and Yeosang were standing next to the bed, looking at a few t-shirts that were scattered around. They didn't even notice him, as they were too busy with whatever they were doing. 

“You were the last person that I was expecting here.” - Hongjoong said, eyeing Wooyoung who looked visibly hurt by those words.

“Can you _please_ lend me that black t-shirt of yours, because this guy over here only has these colorful ones, and I want to dress in accordance with my soul? - He grunted, brushing his hair with his finger. 

Yeosang let out a small “what an idiot _”_ while storming in the bathroom. 

“Yeah, sure, let me check where it is.” - Hongjoong muttered, trying to hold onto his towel as hard as he could, because, _of course, it would be weird to be naked in front of Wooyoung,_ as he was rummaging through his bag.

Wooyoung was waiting patiently, shifting his weight from one leg to another, already noticing Hongjoong’s crying face, not saying anything. 

“Here. It's wearable.” - he turned around, sensing his gaze on him. He felt too exposed for the first time in his life as Wooyoung was looking at his sunburns. 

“You should apply aloe vera'' - he said, roughly jerking the shirt off Hongjoong’s grip, but still staying relatively close to Hongjoong. Almost too close. _Apathetic_ was still written all over his face, only his eyes were full of some unnatural shine. 

“I don't have it” 

“I can give you mine.” 

Hongjoong furrowed brows, slightly pushing him. “You can go and get it while I get dressed” 

“You can get dressed in front of me.” - he deadpanned, licking his lips.

“Wooyoung, please, I'm not in a mood for your games now”- Hongjoong sighted rolling his eyes. It wasn't the whole truth, but for the sake of his mental health, he had to lie. 

It looked like it offended Wooyoung, cause he mumbled something while getting out. Hongjoong managed to put on his underwear and half of his pants before Wooyoung stormed again inside with the small tube. 

“Here. Keep it. I will buy another.” - he said, throwing the aloe on the bed, taking back the t-shirt, and storming out with the words “You _have ten minutes left before we leave_.”

…………………………………………………………………………

Thursday, November 20, 2018

Minah Kim, M.D 

6 pm. Thirteen transcripted session with Seonghwa, Park.

  
  
  


Dr. Kim: How are we today? 

Mr. Park: I feel...pretty decent, to be honest. You know my new roommate right? I told you about him. 

Dr. Kim: That boy who is in love with you?

Mr. Park: He is not in love with me. He's...confused. Anyway, I've met his friends. Some of them were really friendly. 

Dr. Kim: And the rest? 

Mr. Park: Among all of them, one guy was really rude towards me. I….felt like shit, to be honest. I don't know why he hates me. 

Dr. Kim: Seonghwa. What do we say about those situations? Focus on the positive things and people only. Tell me about the others. Did someone catch your attention? 

Mr. Park: Well, I'm not speaking as sexually interested, but there is this guy...Wooyoung and he's…gay too, so I feel like someone understands me I guess. But he is _glued_ to my roommate, San, so I guess I don't have a chance even if I wanted to. 

Dr. Kim: But if you did? Could you let go of your fears? Do you actually feel ready to begin a new phase without fear of someone getting close to you? 

Mr. Park : *sight* 

Mr. Park: I'm not sure. If I find someone that I really trust, maybe. 

  
  


“Dude, I really love you, you are my best friend.” - Yunho muttered, poking Mingi. Mingi stood to hug him and every one of them overpowered the loud music with the even louder _eww._

As always, they were drinking, but since it wasn't just some frat party like they got used to, and they actually had to pay for their drinks, they managed to be tipsy...for the start. 

And Hongjoong knew that he would feel better with a few percent alcohol inside of him, so with Yeosang’s money (he’s been remembering every cent that he took) he managed to drink enough not to care about anything. Mostly about _the amazing trio_.

Yet, seeing San and Seonghwa dancing like there is no tomorrow, or _almost fucking on the dance floor_ , made him sink on the sofa that he has been sitting on. 

So he got another drink. 

_He hated this. He needed a distraction. He needed someone._

So he stood to dance with Yunho far away from them. He's been happy the whole night, dancing and talking with random people. Hongjoong liked Yunho because of it. He had that positive aura around himself that he needed right now. 

“Why are you so...blue?” - Yunho asked, furrowing his brows in the middle of the song, and he looked like a lost puppy. 

“I'm not. I just need…someone I guess” - Hongjoong said loud enough for him to hear. That _someone_ for Hongjoong was few different people. 

His body craved for Wooyoung, his heart craved for Seonghwa, and his brain went full straight mode, looking for a female in this place filled with smoke, perfume, and alcohol. 

And he knew that Yunho knows about him being a strongly straight dude, so he wasn't surprised when he left for a moment, coming with this female version of Hongjoong. Small, petite, short black hair with a confused look. 

“You two, dance. I have some other things to do” - Yunho said, leaving with a wink. 

It didn't do much for Hongjoong. He thought that she was cute, yes. But pretty soon he realized that his brain was wrong for one thing, as he didn't want anything with her. 

“Let's dance, strawberry boy” - she whispered, taking his hand, leading him straight to the center of the dancefloor. He accepted it, already drunk enough to ease his brain from all his worries. His mind told him that it is okay that he is dancing with a stranger, as he was actually enjoying her touches all over his back. It made him shiver with warm tingles.

 _Nothing more. Just dance._ \- he thought, closing his eyes. 

They continued to dance for a while when the girl suddenly raised her head.

“Do you wanna go to the bathroom to smoke?” - she asked, getting closer to him, grazing his earlobe with her lip. 

“Yea..yeah” - he nodded before his brain managed to get that sentence in full meaning. Surely if he was sober he would know that she meant something completely different. 

It was too late as he was being led to the female bathroom, together with her. Hongjoong relaxed for a second. His brain wanted to feel desired, even for a night, or just a couple of hours. She closed the door with her leg, pushing him on the wall, and finally, kissing him firmly. 

He kept his eyes half-open, returning the kiss in the same manner. It wasn't firm as her, but it was still something. But when her hand went to his lower area, a red alarm turned in his head. 

He broke the kiss, with a small _sorry I cannot,_ almost tripping while running. It was hard for him, as his legs started to betray him. That last glass hit him pretty hard, and everything went blurry for a second. His brain managed to lead him straight to his table, where he found none other than Wooyoung, looking drunk as fuck. By the look, he knew that he was sad _and_ drunk, so he sat next to him.

“I don't want to be anymore Hongjoong. “ - he said with a shaky voice. “ Can we leave... _please_?” - Wooyoung said, breathing harder than usual. Hongjoong grabbed his hand, breaking through the crowd as quickly as he could. It was clear to both of them that they were both drunk, as they tried to stay on their feet when they felt the summer breeze hitting them.

“Where do you want us to go?” - Hongjoong asked, holding tight onto his arm, trying to walk as normal as possible. 

“I don't care.” - Wooyoung mumbled, clearly not trying to follow Hongjoong so they bumped at each other with each step. It made Hongjoong chuckle, as they wandered around, finally finding their hotel.

“I understand you, Wooyoung. I know how you feel and I wish I can help you.” Hongjoong said, managed to get into Wooyoung and Jongho’s room since it was closest to the elevator. They both crushed on their king-sized bed, similar to what Hongjoong and Yeosang have. 

“You don't know anything Hongjoong. Nobody knows me.” - Wooyoung brushed off, pouting. It made Hongjoong turn to his left, looking at sleepy Wooyoung. 

“I can listen” 

“I cannot tell you. It's….complicated.” 

Hongjoong suddenly stiffened, not even paying attention to his words. He was too close to Wooyoung and he noticed a small mole on Wooyoung’s lower lip. _Funny - he thinks - every time I look at his lips I want to kiss him._

So he repeated what the girl did to him. 

He leaned over, hands on his cheek, pressing their lips together. 

Now, this definitely was a different feeling. His heart was racing, as his whole body started to tremble, maybe because he was drunk, but he leaned on him, deepening the kiss. 

“Hongjoong...stop” - Wooyoung gently moved him over, gasping as Hongjoong stared at him, mind blank. “This isn't right."

Hongjoong's heart sank deep down inside him, as he swallowed. “ Why?” - was all he could say. 

Wooyoung let out a deep sigh, opening his eyes. He looked even worse than a few hours ago. 

“Because, ah _fuck_...San and I are together.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter every day??? :o 
> 
> I know this looks complicated, but bear with me! More to come soon!


	7. ARE YOU GOING TO DENY THE SAVIOR IN FRONT OF YOUR EYES?

Wooyoung was an unusual boy. For someone, he was that weird gay who laughed at unnecessary stuff, dressing maybe too confidently, smoked too much, and attending too many parties. And he didn't care too much about people talking about him. He had what others didn't have.

Confidence. 

The moment he realized in sixth grade that he wasn't like the other boys and that he actually likes some of his friends, he went to the school psychologist, willingly. There, he learned that it was all normal, that he has to accept his emotions, and that he had to learn how to cooperate with them. 

So he did. 

Although it made his middle school living hell, things were better when he went to high school, making him the most popular boy around. And oh boy did he experiment around. It was the typical “school crushes”. He found his first boyfriend there, slept with some of them, made out with a few…. He felt like he was on top of the world. 

Until he met San in his last year of high school. 

One new feeling developed inside, unknown to him. He managed to forget all of his ex-boyfriends before. He craved for the moment when they would meet again, just to fall again for his smile.

But the problem was that San was a straight boy. A straight-ish boy with a girlfriend. 

Besides that, Wooyoung didn't have a problem bonding with him, making the connection so strong, which made San cancel all of his plans with his girlfriend, so he could hang out with him. 

Shortly after that, San introduced him to his friends, and he finally found himself, although, in the completely straight company, he felt like he belonged there. Especially with the nervous, working, always in some kind of depression, Hongjoong. 

He found him cute. He was sure that he was gay because of his weird style back then, so he excited as he was, asked Hongjoong directly that question, few days after they met. Wooyoung was a straightforward guy, someone liked that, and someone did not. 

So when the tiny guy got flushing red hearing the question, screaming _no_ at him, he knew that he had to be...at least bisexual. He had that gay radar that he was sure that it works 98%. Because of that, he felt free to show his most gayish side of him every time they were alone. If it wasn't for San, he said, he would surely be chasing Hongjoong. 

But in other life. Right now there’s only San and him. 

**..............**

He tried to explain it to Hongjoong, but as it seems, the poor guy was choking from tears. He was drunk, tired, and confused by all of this. So they both ended up crying for unknown reasons. Hongjoong ran a few times to the bathroom to puke, followed by Wooyoung. 

It continued for a good hour before they both fell asleep. One in the bathroom, and one next to the bathroom door. 

“Hey, Hongjoong, wake up, if you wanna see and feel the sea for the last time this year.” 

Hongjoong opened his eyes, face to face with Jongho, who looked almost normal, besides a small bruise around his left eye. Everything was dizzy, his brain vaguely remembering last night. 

He needed a moment. 

He stood up, slowly, feeling his neck stiffened, body numb from laying on the door. He needed water and some pills. Also, he needed Yeosang. 

“Hongjoong. Are you okay?” -Jongho asks, eyes trailing on him. “Why are you in my room, on the fucking floor by the way?” 

“Too many questions at once.” - Hongjoong turns around, looking for a door, opening it, and finding Wooyoung peacefully sleeping in the bathtub. 

He closed the door with such a speed that woke Wooyoung up. He was humiliated last night, rejected like never in his life (first time in his life actually), by his almost best friend, and now what? How can he look him in the eyes? 

He headed towards the front door, ignoring the screaming Jongho behind him. His mind was foggy for some things. Was he crying? AND puking at the same time? 

Few words repeated in his brain while he tried to breathe.

_Hongjoong. Stop._

He found his room and Yeosang inside. He was packing, already in his swimming pants. When he saw Hongjoong, in the clothes from yesterday, messy hair and trails of the leftover makeup on his face, he gasped, running towards him. 

“Jesus Christ, what happened? I was so worried” - he asked, slowly touching his cheek. “ And why did you...why were you crying? I know your morning face whenever you cry the night before, Hongjoong.” 

“Let me just...take a shower, brush my teeth, get my shit together, and after that, we can talk.” 

They didn't talk. 

He managed to get dressed in his swimming pants, while others were nervously waiting for him in front of the room, so he unwillingly went with them. As usual. Wooyoung on the other hand, went for a swim the moment they came. Fucking how? Seonghwa and he were playing volleyball, while San was trying to surf. 

It looks like no one was hungover, everyone seemed just fine, besides Hongjoong. As always. It wasn't that hot as he thought, so he joined them...in the shallows. 

Two hours later as they were waiting for their bus under the shade of a big tree, Hongjoong felt slightly better, wondering how the hell he will endure the whole trip back. He was on the phone, sitting next to the garbage bin (appropriate as he thought) when he noticed someone coming.

“Did you really had to be next to the bin?” - Wooyoung asked nonchalantly, biting an apple. Hongjoong gulped when he saw him, stomach stinging with humiliation, hurt, and being still hungover. 

He nodded, making circles with his left foot. 

“Wanna come with me? I saw a tree full of peaches down the road and I wanted to take a few. We can talk in the meantime.”

“Aren't you...sick from last night to eat all of that?” - Hongjoong gulped, getting nauseous even thinking about food. Wooyoung shrugged. 

“I'm usually hungry when I'm hungover.” - he said, pulling Hongjoong’s hand. He came, not by his will, knowing that they were gonna have _the_ conversation. 

He was trembling with fear, as they went pretty far away from the group. 

“So”

“So?”

“About last night...I wanted to apologize. I was drunk and I didn't know what I was doing” - Hongjoong blurts out, hoping that his shame would pass if he admits it first. 

Wooyoung on the other hand was glancing around, trying to grab peaches from the tree. Hongjoong watched him jumping around the tree, making the silence not so awkward as he thought so. 

Finally, when Wooyoung grabbed the third peach, he turned around. 

“It's okay. Both you and I know that we are attracted to each other, but now you know the reason why I can only flirt with you .”

Hongjoong snorted. It was the most Wooyoung thing to say at this serious moment, but he nodded. 

“Doesn't that bother him? Flirting with me?” - Hongjoong bit his tongue “I'm sorry for asking this” 

“We are in a more...open relationship. I don't know how to explain but just trust me on this. “

“I thought that he had something with Seonghwa.” 

There it was, again. Some kind of shock through Wooyoung's face. Hongjoong wasn't stupid, maybe he was in a relationship with San, but he definitely was mad at him a few days ago. 

“I...well...As I said it's hard to explain since San is acting like his roommate is better than anyone else.” - he made an annoyed face, letting out a deep breath. Hongjoong cackled, hurrying him up. 

“Are you going to tell the rest of the crew about you two?” 

“Maybe one day. But not now.”

They started running once they saw their bus getting closer. Their luggage was already inside the bus thanks to someone from the group so Hongjoong took the last remaining seat with Wooyoung. Wooyoung, a good friend as he was, let him lean on him through the whole trip. 

“I'm sorry if the things are weird between us” - Hongjoong whispered, almost half asleep. 

“Why would it be. You know that I enjoy teasing you, and for once, you caught me unprepared” - Wooyoung said, lacing his fingers with Hongjoong’s. 

He opened his eyes, looking for Seonghwa. He was sitting with San, both of them sleeping.

He noticed that San’s hand was around Seonghwa's abdomen, and he gritted his teeth, imitating them. 

_Nothing changed between Seonghwa and me._ \- Hongjoong thought, catching San’s distressed gaze. 

* * *

  
  


“So this girl grabbed my hand, taking me straight into her room, and guess who was there? Believe it or not, it was Mingi with his female friend. She had no idea that we knew each other, so she, out of the blue asked me if I wanted to have a foursome with them? And I ran away as fast as I could.” - Yunho said, shaking his whole body with disgust. Hongjoong almost choked on his coffee.

Not even a month after their vacation, and they already changed dorms, now Hongjoong and Yeosang sharing the dorm with none other than Wooyoung and Yunho. Hongjoong was sure that Wooyoung paid someone to do that since neither Hongjoong nor Yeosang wasn't really delighted with that idea. 

“We're gonna have so much fun together! Should I switch with Yeosang?” - Yunho winked at Hongjoong who was still lazily sipping his coffee from two hours ago. 

“Yeosang would probably die before letting anyone besides me sleep in the same room. He is sensitive you know." - Hongjoong said, looking at Wooyoung, who was watching something on Hongjoong’s laptop.

The situation between them was even better than before. Wooyoung actually called him when he got home from vacation, to see if he's okay. They talked about most random things, skipping the main part. Hongjoong didn't even want to know about their messy relationship. The big news was that San and Wooyoung resolved their relationship and that they are fine now. What actually mattered for Hongjoong was that he learned that San and Seonghwa weren't together, and that was it.

Now that Wooyoung became his roommate, he wondered how it will turn out. 

Wooyoung, after noticing that they were alone in the dorm, went to Hongjoong and Yeosangs' room, leaning back in Hongjoongs bed, leaving a small spot for him to sit. 

“I think we're gonna finally declare our relationship soon “ 

“Your relationship isn't some formal statement that you have to declare it.”

Wooyoung pointed the middle finger at him, unwrapping the lollipop from his pocket, sucking it as hard as he could. 

“I'm still not sure how your relationship is still working with the third wheeler Seonghwa?” - Hongjoong commented, playing with his fingers. That question bugged him a little bit, seeing San and Seonghwa hanging out too often, _again_. 

“Why are you so interested in Seonghwa lately?” - Wooyoung asked, throwing his head back, and slowly moving it left and right. There it was. He's doing it again. 

“I'm...just curious” 

Wooyoung took out his lollipop with a loud pop, looking straight at Hongjoong, narrowing his eyes. One was trying to hide its gaze while the other one was trying to catch it. And Wooyoung wasn't that stupid, he knew that Hongjoong didn't care about a lot of things, especially him being interested in his relationship with San. No way.

“Hongjoong, I want you to answer me one thing. Are you gay?” 

He felt like someone hit him with a basketball stick over his lungs. The more he was avoiding to answer, the more the atmosphere was tense.

“I..I….I don't know...Maybe.” Hongjoong hesitated. He knew that it was pointless hiding anymore. 

“I'll take that as a yes. You know I can spot a fellow gay, right?” Wooyoung chuckled, touching Hongjoong knee. He bolted from the bed, abruptly standing up. 

Hongjoong never said it out loud, it was like a thought in his head, but now as he said it, it all seemed different to him. It made sense now. He told him what happened at the party with that girl, thinking that it was best to tell someone, rather than keep it inside. 

“So when you kissed me...you realized that you were gay? Wow... I'm flattered!” Wooyoung giggled, puckering his lips. He got two middle fingers from Hongjoong. 

“Wooyoung, be serious. Don't make me regret coming out to you” 

“You don't know how proud I am, Hongjoong. And I really mean it.” - Wooyoung nudged him. “Now, answer my question truthfully. Do you like Seonghwa?” 

Hongjoong sighted “Yeah, I do, kind of.” - was the only thing he could say, slowly sitting on his old spot. Wooyoung made a squealing noise, keeping his hand on his mouth to calm himself. 

“OH my GOD, I fucking knew it. I knew it.” Wooyoung was too weak to be quiet for too long, as he started making all sorts of screaming sounds. Hongjoong’s gaze was far away, his mind too. “No wonder you wanted to know if he was single or not.” 

“I don't talk about him. I just wanted to know if they... you know?” 

Wooyoung chuckled. “You were jealous of San, so you wanted to see if he's available. That's cute Hongjoong.”

“Just stop talking.” - Hongjoong took a deep breath, his ears changing color to red. 

“Only thing that I know is that he is really focused on his studies and his work so I'm not sure if he would want something serious. But you two may work out.” - he shrugged. 

”I said I like him, I didn't say I wanted to marry him for fuck's sake.” - he crossed his arms over his chest. It was almost a violation of his imaginary privacy and he didn't like it. 

Wooyoung huffed, scratching his neck. “Whatever honestly.”

“Don't tell San and _especially_ don't tell Seonghwa about what happened nor about this conversation.”

“So you don't want him in your bed? I heard a lot of great stories about him” - Wooyoung wiggled his eyebrows. 

“Leave me and my sexuality alone.”

“Suit yourself. Hope you are enjoying gay porn, cause you gonna see it and hear it a lot now, as my roommate."

“I swear to GOD, if I hear any weird sound coming from your room, I'm gonna throw both of you out of the window.” -Honjoong threatened, ignoring his member twitching at that thought. 

“Somebody is still in denial about his sexuality, hm?” - Wooyoung snorted, seeing Hongjoong getting uncomfortable. It's what he wanted, after all. 

“You know, I always wanted to ask you this question. Who is the top and who is the bottom? Cause I'm pretty sure that you're bottom plus, I heard that you're one kinky motherfucker.”

Wooyoung stared at him, not expecting this kind of conversation with Hongjoong, not in a million years. Hongjoong was enjoying, being in charge for once. 

“You wanna check? I can show you later” - Wooyoung whispered in his ear, deliberately trying to get him even madder. 

To his surprise, Hongjoong took a pillow, moving all of his weight on him, sitting on his lap, and holding the pillow directly on his face. He got him pinned on the bed, excitement running through his veins. 

“ _You are one kinky motherfucker, not me!_ ” - Hongjoong heard a muffled scream of Wooyoung, who has been struggling to move him. 

“What the fuck is going on here” - Yeosang said, opening the door to this weird scenery. 

They both jolted out of the bed, sitting and pretending like never happened. They felt like two kids being caught by their parents doing something they shouldn't be doing.

“Hold on, I don't wanna know” -Yeosang commented before they got the chance to answer, face full of disgust.

“Wooyoung is being annoying as usual” - Hongjoong tried to play it cool, staring at Wooyoung who was sticking his tongue out. 

“And just FYI, both of us are switches' '- Wooyoung whispered when Yeosang turned to get his shirt from the closet. Hongjoong elbowed him right at the sensitive spot. 


	8. TELL ME WHY I FEEL UNWANTED

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sliiiight nsfw ahead!

Hongjoong hated himself for one thing only. He was being pliable just to be closer to Seonghwa.

Cooking with him just because he said he likes people who can cook? Absolutely.

Following the new fashion trends without any knowledge who was who? Sure.

Going to the gym because of him? He made sure that he is going to be around him the whole time since he is sacrificing his introversion just for the sake of this cute _boy._

He went to the gym after their late classes with Seonghwa, San, and Yunho. His palms began to sweat once he was inside, too much testosterone filling up his nostrils. 

“So what am I supposed to do here?” -Hongjoong scratched his head, nervously looking at the few unknown devices. 

“You can start with me if you want. I'm on the treadmill for, well let say maybe half an hour, and then we can do crunches.” - Seonghwa threw his towel over his shoulder. Hongjoong agreed because this was the reason that he came, right? 

They started hanging out almost every day, accidentally or not. And for the first time, they felt comfortable around each other. 

Hongjoong thinks it's all Wooyoung’s fault, but he was strongly denying it. It became slight torture for Hongjoong who gave up on the thought of being a straight man. 

However, it was a delight for Seonghwa, who read him almost immediately, teasing him indirectly, testing his waters with a slight flirting. Truth was that Wooyoung did interfere, telling Seonghwa half of the Hongjoong’s truth. 

“You know that I’ve become a model for Ellie Jeans? I did a photoshoot yesterday” - Seonghwa announced, running on the treadmill at a moderately low speed. Hongjoong was on the same level as Seonghwa, but he was out of breath, cursing himself that he didn't go with Yunho when he had a chance. 

“I'm not even surprised. You deserved it, with all of your diets and going to the gym every day.” - Hongjoong said, barely breathing. His eyes couldn't help but notice his abs peeking below his shirt. 

“I'm craving for some ice cream to be honest. And since I don't have to be on a diet anymore, we could get some later, if you want? ”

Hongjoong lied to himself that his heartbeat increased because of the speed. 

“Yeah. I think we deserved it. “ 

They ended up doing not only crunches but lifting weights, plank, squats, and situps. While it was a usual routine for the rest, Hongjoong felt like death came for him. His legs were nonexistent, his arms like noodles, and he couldn't climb the stairs in the dorm once they were done, so Yunho had to carry him. 

“I'm gonna be at Mingi’s dorm. And for the love of God _do not_ let Wooyoung take my laptop at any cost.” - he said, letting him go on the porch. 

“Don't worry, he said he will be at Jongho to study.” Hongjoong said. He needed to take a shower and prepare mentally for this night. Seonghwa will be there any minute now, so he throws himself on the bed, letting out a painful scream once his knee hits something below him. 

Someone entered the dorm, almost running inside. He raised his head to see who it was, but he didn't have any strength to get up.

“It's me” Wooyoung screamed. “I'm gonna be studying so don't bother me okay?”

“Whatever” Hongjoong mumbled. He was sure that Wooyoung was going to be at San's, so he wondered if they didn't get into a fight again.

He managed somehow to shower with every atom left in his body, waiting for Seonghwa comfortably in his bed. He felt strange, but it wasn't the first time that Seonghwa was coming this late. They were chilling in Seonghwa’s bed a week ago, watching Naruto until four in the morning. 

And now he’s waiting for him in his pajamas, his blanket around him. He came a few minutes later, bringing two popsicles. 

“What shall we watch?” -Seonghwa asked, comfortably sprawled on the bed next to Hongjoong. “Death Note?” - Hongjoong asked, taking the pink popsicle out of Seonghwa’s hand. 

Seeing him nodding in excitement, he turned on his laptop, playing their show.

“I took a shower, but barely. I think I won't be going to the gym in a while.” - Hongjoong yawned. To his surprise, Seonghwa leaned closer, face a few millimeters from his neck. 

“You smell like coconut. It's nice.” 

“Thanks” - Hongjoong gulped, taken aback by his sudden action. 

They haven't talked that much, besides commenting on a few scenes, but mostly being immersed into it. Until they both heard what can be only described as a moan. 

And another one. 

Seonghwa pauses, listening carefully to make sure it’s what he thinks it is. And when he hears it again, his and Hongjoong’s eyes meet, shocked. 

“Who is in the next room?” - he asks, voice deep. Hongjoong shrugged. 

“Wooyoung came, but as far as I know, he came alone” 

“Are you sure San didn't sneak in here too?” 

Hongjoong made an uncomfortable face, lips stretched into a thin line. Seonghwa on the other hand was standing with his finger pointed at the door, listening carefully. 

“That motherfucker sneaked his boyfriend in here.” -Hongjoong groaned. He couldn't believe it. Seonghwa chuckled, taking Hongjoong’s hand. 

“Let's surprise them since they think they are so clever. I'm sure they don't know I'm here too.” he raised his eyebrow, some sort of weird shine could be seen in his eyes. Hongjoong didn't like that. 

“Are you crazy!?” - he squealed at him, while Seonghwa dragged him to the next room. “I don't wanna see them naked!” 

Seonghwa shushed him, opening the door abruptly. 

………………………………………………………………………………………………….

  
  


Saturday, January 10, 2019

Minah Kim, M.D 

1 pm. Eighteen transcripted session with Seonghwa, Park.

  
  
  


Mr. Park: I….I made out with my roommate, San. And his friend Wooyoung. I was drunk and so were they.

Dr. Kim: How does it make you feel? 

Mr. Park: At first, I was skeptical, but then I remembered what you have told me, so I let go of my fears. I knew that they weren't going to hurt me so I accepted it. We made out, nothing else because I made some boundaries that they agreed on immediately. Maybe that's why...I trusted them. 

Dr. Kim: It's a big step forward.

Mr. Park: I wouldn't be here without you, that's for sure. 

Dr. Kim: I'm really glad that you managed to change your attitude towards the physical touch. Is that boy still hating on you? Have you talked with him? 

Mr. Park: Now when you mentioned it...He tried to apologize to me because of his behavior and I didn't want to accept it. I think it's better to ignore him for now. 

Dr. Kim: Why? You won't accomplish anything with your stubbornness.

Mr. Park: Well, I'm stubborn as always, what else did you expect from me? To accept his apology? Never. Plus, you were the one that told me to avoid negative people.

Dr. Kim: I'm not sure why do you think that your acquaintance, Hongjoong is negative. Don't make hasty decisions like that. And, be careful. You know that you had a hard time fitting in. Don't take this group for granted. 

Mr. Park: ...If you say so. 

………………………………………………………………………………………………….

  
  


It was a scene that Hongjoong could barely forget, even if he wanted to. Dim pink lights didn't help that much either. His eyes caught a very uncomfortable scene for him, for Seonghwa, not so much, as he still had that devilish look in his eyes. 

“Enjoying?” - Seonghwa smirked, eyes trailed down the naked silhouette of the Wooyoung, who was so very comfortable sitting on top of San. 

Hongjoongs face flushed as he squirmed, looking at them, not knowing how to react. 

Wooyoung rolled over San, covering both of them with the blanket. 

“Well, we did...until now.” 

“You're being too loud, and we were trying to enjoy watching something. Your little show was entertaining, _for real_ , but _we_ would rather watch our series.” Seonghwa said in a low voice that made San giggle.

“Shame, really.” Wooyoung smirked, biting San’s exposed shoulder.

Hongjoong feels both shame and arousal swirling in him, hearing San's soft moan. 

Seonghwa smiled politely “Be quiet then.” He closed the door, chuckling as he was walking towards the small space that was a mix between the kitchen and a living room. Hongjoong was still processing the whole situation, standing uncomfortable. 

“Bunch of smugs, I'm telling you. They are doing it on purpose, you know?” - he said, taking a big gulp of tap water. 

“On purpose? What kind of purpose?” - Hongjoong frowned, raising an eyebrow. His brain barely processed his words, as he was more concerned about the growing stuff in the lower parts. He was praying that Seonghwa didn't notice. 

“They like to tease me, that's all. So many times I had to bang on their door to stop the noise, so this isn't new for me.” Seonghwa explained.

“So this is your first time to actually break inside, rather than just knock?” Hongjoong asked, biting his lip. He saw a tiny smile creeping on his lips. 

“Yes and no. One time they did it in the living room, so I had no choice really.” 

“Did you ever join?” - Hongjoong asked directly. He wasn't sure if he could ask those kinds of questions, but Seonghwa started laughing, waving it off. 

“Are you crazy? Do I look like someone who will include myself in that type of fornication?”

Hongjoong laughed at his response, rocking back and forth. “I don't know, you tell me.” 

“To show or to tell?” - Seonghwa’s gaze was burning through Hongjoong’s pants.

Shit, he _noticed -_ Hongjoong thought, feeling mostly shame and horniness at this point. He needs to go to the bathroom, to jerk off and try to get rid of the weird tension he feels. 

Just he wasn't sure if that tension was because of Seonghwa or because of that recent scene that he saw. 

A few minutes later he got out, feeling better, shame written all over his face. 

He simply didn't care. 

“Yeosang called, I picked it up. He's going to have a study session with some guy from class, so he isn't going to come home.” - Seonghwa announced, still holding Hongjoong’s phone. 

“Oh, that's..unexpected of him.” 

“So that means I can sleep here?” - Seonghwa smiled, lightly jumping on the bed. 

“Yeah. If you want.” 

He didn't wait for an answer as he was already looking for a pair of pajamas, taking one with green and yellow straps. It was Yunho’s, and although slightly bigger, he looked adorable. 

“We can watch the series until dawn.” -he said, changing in front of Hongjoong, who refused to look in his direction.

“Someone has lectures in the morning, Seonghwa” 

“You don't have to sleep every night Hongjoong.” Seonghwa said, laying next to the Hongjoong. The bed was designed for one person only, so they almost were into each other's lap. 

They ended up watching Naruto until dawn, as Seonghwa wanted, while Hongjoong was sure that they were gonna kiss by the end of the episode. The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. Their bodies were next to each other, laptop on Seonghwa's lap. Hongjoong let his head fall on Seonghwa’s shoulder, hoping that he was giving him enough hints for him to initiate whatever he was imagining in his head. 

Seonghwa, as he was reading his mind, let him lay on his chest, gently playing with his hair. 

“I like your new hairstyle. The vibrant color suits your quirky personality.”

Hongjoong giggled, moving the laptop to his lap so he could see better. 

“You again with your compliment about my hair. I never heard you say anything else besides that.” 

“Compliment is a compliment. What _exactly_ do you want to hear?” - Seonghwa moved Hongjoong’s head on his abdomen, looking straight in his eyes from above. He looked like he was puzzled. 

“I'm joking Seonghwa. Learn how to joke with people'' - Hongjoong laughed nervously. He always does that. Saying something without thinking about it first. He was calm. Calm, too much maybe for this situation. 

"You're weird, Kim Hongjoong, you know that?"

“Let's just watch this, okay?” - Hongjoong sighted. It didn't go as he planned.

“It's five a.m and right now I'm really sleepy.” - Seonghwa tried to hold his yawn, but it didn't work. Hongjoong yawned too, seeing him. 

“I guess you're right.” - Hongjoong said, turning off his laptop. He was mad at himself. 

Seonghwa already knew Hongjoong's sleeping habits, so he took one blanket for him, making a burrito out of himself. 

“Goodnight Hongjoong” 

“Night Seonghwa” -He said, his heart already sank deep down in him. His expectations were gone, as they never existed. 

* * *

The next day was a weird day for all of them. 

Jongho was recovering from his failed date night with a girl he liked for so long. It wasn't good nor bad. He was nervous and she was being cocky and plain. He ended up making some crappy excuse, leaving her after an hour full of sweating.

Yeosang lost his ID somewhere, and he searched for it the whole day.

San and Wooyoung did what they knew the best. Testing the waters with other people.

Yunho was still at Mingi’s dorm, both of them slept through the whole day.

Hongjoong was unhappy. 

Seonghwa was just tired. 

So when all of them gathered at the practice room, looking unproductive as ever, they all agreed that it's better to order something to eat and drink, rather than practice.

Hongjoong felt awkward with Seonghwa, again. Yeosang on the other hand was sending him some lewd messages, sitting two meters from him.

**From: Sangieboy**

Hope you had some action with this boytoy over here, I did not leave you two alone just to play innocent victims. 

**From: Hongjoooong**

Yeah...no. Sorry. I'm not sure what he wants to be honest.

Yeosang looked disappointed like a little child, and it made Hongjoong chuckle.

“I heard you two had fun yesterday. I mean...thirty episodes for a night? That's impressive.” - Wooyoung grinned, looking directly at Hongjoong, who expected something like this from him. 

“Thirty episodes? Damn that's….that's fucking nothing you noobs. I finished the whole season of Gintama in a day. “ - Mingi said proudly. 

“Mingi, you're full of shit.” Wooyoung threw a plastic straw on him. “The first season has 200 episodes. It's impossible.”

Mingi shook his head. “I never lied in my life.”

Mingi and Wooyoung were left to argue, while the rest of them played paper rock scissors randomly. It was the most plain, but most entertaining game for them. Yeosang lost as always, so his detention this time was to clean the dishes in his dorm. He accepted, unwillingly. 

When they came back to the dorm, Yeosang couldn't wait for the news so he started bothering Hongjoong ever since they left. He should have known better, cause he got a middle finger from Hongjoong. But in fact, he liked when Yeosang was actually interested in his stories. It makes him feel that he has someone in his life who actually cares about him.

“I can only say one thing and that is, my dear Hongjoong, he is definitely into you, but you two are an unlikely pairing. Polar opposites. Ying and Ying.” - Yeosang commented when Hongjoong actually told him what happened, two hours later. 

Hongjoong rubbed his shoulder. “We are perfect for each other. He's just too...dumb to do anything”

“Why don't _you_ do it then? Why wait for him?"

“He _has_ to do it. I'm not that confident to approach him first.” 

If looks could kill, that would probably be Yeosang’s eyes shooting Hongjoong. 

Yeosang was a simple guy. If he likes someone he will show it, giving it a shot. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. He didn't understand Hongjoong, nor Seonghwa who complained a few days ago, asking Yeosang what should he do with Hongjoong. According to Seonghwa, he wasn't showing any sign of him actually liking Seonghwa, so Yeosang had to intervene somehow, leaving them together in a room. Unsuccessfully. 

  
  
  
  


Two days later, Hongjoong had a full week of work, lectures, and projects. He skipped their rehearsal, dinner with Mingi, and two calls from his mum. 

He was exhausted. 

Still, he didn't skip the call from Seonghwa, calling him for “only two episodes of Naruto” and some beer. 

He got home as fast as he could, showered, put on some fancy clothes, cause it was Seonghwa, drowned in his cologne, and marched through the halls, right into San's and Seonghwa's dorm. 

_I deserve this, I deserve this break from everything._

He stormed inside, where he found San, who was drinking water, a small bag already on his shoulder. 

“We’re switching places for tonight.” - San smiled at him. His devious smile was something that he could hardly miss, already knowing what they were up to.

“Not in my room and not on my chair. And not on the counters.” - he warned him as San happily walked out with the speed of light. 

“Seonghwa is showering!” - he shouted before he smacked the door. There was another problem. He needed to pee, because of that juice he drank before he got here. So he went to the bathroom door, cleaning his throat, and knocked. 

“Are you going to be done soon? I need to pee”

He heard water getting turned off and Seonghwa shouting to come inside. He opened the door, catching a familiar figure standing a meter from him, naked, wiping his hair with a towel. 

It was the first time for him to see Seonghwa naked, without any clothes on. Usually he wasn't shy around him, walking in his boxers whenever he had the chance. 

So this wasn't really surprising for him, but his eyes refused to look anywhere but at him and his lower parts.

"You know, if you keep looking at me like that I might get shy."

Hongjoong regained his consciousness suddenly, remembering why he got inside in the first place. “Sorry.” - he said.

Seonghwa walked towards him, giggling. “Sorry for what? Staring at my body?”

“Getting suddenly lost” 

Hongjoong unzipped his pants, turning around only to be turned again by Seonghwa, standing a few centimeters from him. 

“I'm glad you liked it” - he said, catching Hongjoong chin, getting closer, lips parting its way. Hongjoong closes his eyes, feeling warm lips pressed on his. 

There's another hand on his back, pulling him closer. It was slow and painfully arousing for him, once Seonghwa's hand start roaming around his body. Hongjoong started to get dizzy.


	9. I DON'T CARE I'M IN LOVE (STOP BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> t/w: mention of bipolar episode.

Hongjoong got home around three in the morning, not even trying to be quiet. 

Yeosang was asleep, but he woke up once he saw wrecked Hongjoong, his neck marked with love bites, hair messy, standing next to the bed with the biggest smile. 

“You had sex with him, didn't you?” - was the first thing that he could say. Hongjoong’s face was a mix between shame, guilt, and a tiny bit of satisfaction. 

“No, but we were so close to actually doing it.” - Hongjoong said, eyes shining like stars. For the first time, he was truly happy. He felt desired by someone, and it felt great. All of his troubles disappeared, now hidden deep down in his brain.

“Congrats! Now, let me sleep.'' Yeosang clapped a few times, turning on his side. 

………………………………………………………………

“Shoot. I want to know all the details, including, is he a good kisser, did you actually touch his butt and how far did you go last night?” Yeosang beamed, seeing poor Hongjoong coming out from the room. Half asleep, he sat on the chair, eyes still closed. 

“Yes, yes and I'm not telling. Can you let me wake up first?” 

“Have you seen yourself in the mirror maybe? Just maybe? I wonder how you will explain to others that purple neck of yours.”

Hongjoong walked to the hallway, where they had a small mirror behind the door. He glimpsed, gasping at the sight. 

“I will strangle him with both of my hands!. How am I supposed to go to classes like this?” Hongjoong screamed, touching his neck. Yeosang huffed. 

“Doubt that you're gonna do anything to him. By the way, I cannot wait to see how he looks.”

“I don't know how to make hickeys.” Hongjoong admitted, blushing. Yeosang burst into laughter.

“As expected of Hongjoong _THE_ virgin.” 

“Someone is still sleeping, you know?” Wooyoung came out of the room, grunting. Expectedly, he noticed Hongjoong and his purple neck almost immediately, shaking his head. 

“I'm proud, Hongjoong. Seonghwa is a pretty good teacher.” he winked at Hongjoong who was unconsciously holding his neck.

“What's that supposed to mean?” Hongjoong asked, as Wooyoung already disappeared in the bathroom. 

“It's just Wooyoung, you know he's talking nonsense 90% of the time.” 

  
  


The next day they had their annual movie night, some of them lined up on the floor, some on the small couch, but since Mingi whined about how his back was hurting and how he cannot simply be on the floor, he took the whole couch.

They rented a big TV, a DVD player with a new movie. Two hours in their dance studio was nothing for them as long as they were supplied with snacks and drinks to last them for another year. 

“I'm gonna cry at the end of the movie, I swear.” - Yunho announced. 

“It's only the beginning, stop whining!” Jongho grunted, realizing how hard this is going to be. Twenty minutes into the film and someone managed to spoil the whole thing. Of course, it was Wooyoung with his shit-eating grin. 

“You will thank me later. I spared you the suffering! After all, I didn't like the ending.” - he yelled as San was holding his sleeve, trying to calm him down. 

After 45 minutes they managed to eat every single thing that they bought, getting bored almost immediately. It's just how they, as a group, worked. They never watched the whole movie to the end. Almost every time someone needs to go home, spoil every movie or fall asleep and start snoring. That someone would be Mingi 90% of the time. 

Now, as they were arguing on who would stay to actually watch the whole thing until the end, Wooyoung slowly stood up, pausing the movie. 

“People, can you all keep it down for a moment? I have something to announce.” - He said, clapping with his hands. He blinked more than ten times in a minute and Hongjoong knew that it was the sign that he was nervous. Even more nervous was San, who awkwardly stood next to Wooyoung, waiting for him to start.

Seonghwa, who was sitting next to him, shifted a few times, without taking his eyes off San.

“Some of you saw us, sadly, some of you didn't. And yes, it's true, San and I are together. I know it's shocking to you..”- he said pointing at Mingi who was mildly shocked by this statement. “...but I hope you guys will support us. Right, San?” San nodded, small dimples showing on his cheek. 

They received some kind of mild applause and a bear hug from Yunho. It wasn't that they weren't happy about this, it was more like that they didn't know how to react. 

Hongjoong like every good friend came to congratulate them, hugging both of them and scoffing with disgust when they kissed his cheek. He returned to his usual seat, between Seonghwa’s legs on the floor, interlocking their fingers together. One thing he noticed was how Seonghwa was twisting his ring, again and again, not even blinking. They didn't go unnoticed, as Yunho was first to approach them.

“Do you two have something to announce too?”

Hongjoong clenched his jaw, squeezing Seonghwa's hand harder. 

“We are an open book, Yunho. Whatever you think at this moment is probably true, but, no, we don't have anything to announce.” - Seonghwa stated, lifting Hongjoong’s hand in a sign of solidarity.

It wasn't solidarity at all. Hongjoong was jealous of Wooyoung and San.

“So that means you two are just...what, fuck buddies?” Yunho asked, confused. 

“You can say that.” Seonghwa said.

Hongjoong felt something broke inside of him.

  
  


* * *

“What are you thinking of?” 

“I'm thinking of you, last night.” Seonghwa whispered, kissing Hongjoong’s neck subtly. 

“Before or after midnight?"

“After” Seonghwa answered, panting quietly as Hongjoong’s hand was roaming around his crotch area. 

Both of them were on the floor in the middle of the gym, Seonghwa helping him stretch. Yunho was across them, not even paying attention to their “mating ritual” as Mingi called it. 

The rest of the group gradually learned about them, not even questioning too much. Maybe it's because they all thought that it was really a relationship, or they just didn't care, like Jongho.

“Pull that leg better, Hwa. You know that he's going to get sore muscles if you don't do it right.” Yunho commented, noticing how Hongjoong’s hand was disappearing below Seonghwa’s shirt.

He reconciled with the fact that his best friend was secretly gay. Although he was mad at him in the beginning for not telling him right away, deep inside he knew Hongjoong and that it wasn't his style to admit stuff like that so suddenly.

“Sore muscles from what? You and I both know that he doesn't get sore muscles here” - Mingi smirked at Yunho who started laughing. 

“Fuck you both. I don't get sore muscles…like never” -Hongjoong turned his head at Mingi who was mocking him, showing him some lewd stuff with his hand. Seonghwa turned his head, grazing his cheek gently. 

“Stop paying attention to them. They are just messing with you” - he said. Hongjoong rolled his eyes. 

“Hey, at least you're getting it, unlike some of us.” Yunho shrugged, eyes following Seonghwa who was going to the bathroom. Mingi didn't waste the time so he sat next to the confused Hongjoong. 

“So...I didn't want to ask in front of him directly but...are you two officially together? I mean it's been like...weeks” 

Hongjoong looked at Mingi, unamazed. Yunho joined them on the floor, both of them staring at Hongjoong like lost puppies. 

“You asked me that question literally three days ago and the answer remains still the same. NO, we’re not. Sadly.” 

Yunho and Mingi exchanged confused glances, seeing how Hongjoongs mood changed right away. Hongjoong was on a brick of running somewhere far away from everything. 

And he had a good reason. Partially, he was nervous because of his exams. Then, his parents got into a serious fight, followed up by the major thing that was bothering him every goddamn second.

His relationship with Seonghwa. 

If he could call it that way. 

Seonghwa, ever since they first made out in the bathroom, clearly stated that he likes Hongjoong and that he finds him attractive. As regards some sort of relationship between them, he didn't say anything. 

And if Hongjoong hated something, it was an undecided person. He wanted to have some sort of label with Seonghwa. The term _fuck buddies_ meant nothing to him. 

It was eating him alive, and it didn't take him long enough to fall in love with him so deeply, so strongly, that it was hurting him physically. 

Seonghwa on the other hand felt really cold sometimes. Maybe it was just his mask around the others that haven't fallen yet, or Hongjoong didn't notice this side until now. It was almost as Hongjoong looked at him as Seonghwa was on a pedestal, and Hongjoong has almost worshiped him at the very bottom. 

At least it felt like that most of the time. 

Seonghwa had one more side of him, his gentle, loving side, where Hongjoong found his happiness, his safe place. And whenever he shows that side of him, Hongjoong forgets about everything, sinking into a fake feel of security. 

……………………………………………………………………

Yunho had a weird habit ever since he was a child, to observe things and people a little too carefully. He never knew how he started it, it just happened, and he became aware of it once he started high school.

People who loved him didn't care about it, because it is what he would always do, unconsciously observing every step of them. 

For example, he knew about Wooyoung and San long before anyone knew, he knew that Hongjoong had a crush on Seonghwa after _that_ party, he knew about Yeosang using drugs ever since the first year. He didn't do it on purpose, it was just the little things that gave them away. 

For example, his roommate Wooyoung. He had some daily habits, and when those habits were skipped, he knew that something was going on. 

Wooyoung liked to sing, and he would always do it when he had a shower in the morning. It was his ritual ever since they became roommates. Yunho got used to it, knowing from the melody he was singing, how Wooyoung’s mood is going to be. 

In the evening, he liked to gossip with Yunho, who was always delighted to hear the new things about random people. 

All of that disappeared a month before their summer vacation. Wooyoung would come home, take a long shower, and would go straight to bed. In the morning, he would wake up before him, just sitting on the sofa, looking at his phone. And Yunho knew. He knew what was going on, so he asked him one morning. 

“I'm just an idiot who is in love with another idiot, that's all.” Wooyoung said, biting his lips.

It went like that for more than a month, when he realized that the four people were involved in this mess. And Yunho was confused. He missed something in that mess, and he was determined to find out. 

He never dreamed that he would find the answer one night in San’s and Seonghwa's room.

…………………………………………………………………………………

  
  
  


“Are you happy with Seonghwa?” 

“What?” Hongjoong stopped running, hand carefully tapping the ball. 

“I'm asking you..” Wooyoung fixed his hairband on his head “Do you feel happy? No problems or something?”

It was three a.m, Wooyoung and Hongjoong were playing basketball a few meters from the dorm. It was a cold end of October, but for them it was hot, both of them wearing shorts and t-shirts. 

“I guess...Why do you ask?” -Hongjoong looked at Wooyoung, trying to catch his breath. 

“Just asking. You seem kinda distant with me lately….all of us to be exact.” - Wooyoung said, biting his nails. Hongjoong was caught, unprepared.

“I have so many things to do before graduation, and I just… I just don't have time for anything.”

“You have time being in Seonghwa’s dorm every single night .” - he deadpanned. “ C’mon Hongjoong, all of us noticed that you two are offline whenever someone calls you to hang out with us.”

“We are trying to...to define our relationship.” Hongjoong said quietly. Wooyoung was right, his life became a mix between exams, work, and being in Seonghwa’s bed. The worst thing is that they stopped filming their dance videos. 

“Hongjoong please! Stop lying to me! There isn't anything to be defined between you! He clearly stated that you two are only fucking and that was it. Stop being delusional and growing false hope that you two will be a real thing one day, cause you won't. “

It went quiet for some time, both of them staring at the ball that had been dropped by Hongjoong. 

Wooyoung closes his eyes sharply, exhales in and out a few times, cursing himself. Hongjoong still looked mostly peaceful, staring at the ball for too long. He walks forward, his hand grabbing Hongjoong upper arm. 

“Don't fucking touch me!” - Hongjoong jolts his hand, going a few steps back. His reaction showed pure shock, and Wooyoung knew that he fucked up pretty badly. 

Finally, Hongjoong gave up, dropping himself next to the ball on the ground, pressing his palms on his eyes, trying to stop the tears. 

_“Stop crying, stop, stop, don't be a baby, just stop crying!” -_ Hongjoong whispered to himself. 

“I’m sorry,” Wooyoung mumbles, and it’s a lost cause. “I'm so fucking sorry for saying that. I was so pent up and….” - he sights, sitting next to him. “...we broke up and I'm so...so fucking mad at him. That's why I called you to go out for a round of basketball. I couldn't stand looking at him any longer.” 

Hongjoong looked at Wooyoung, slowly wiping his tears. “You broke up? Why?” 

“Many reasons to be honest.” - Wooyoung says, smiling gently. “I didn't know how to tell you, plus I was so mad because you were avoiding me for the past week. I'm sorry Hongjoong, it wasn't my intention to hurt you.”

“You are right about me and him. I just... didn't want to admit to myself. I wanted to believe that we had a chance.” 

“I didn't mean it, you know? I still think that you two have a greater chance than me and San.”

“Bullshit. So wanna talk about what happened?” - Hongjoong hiccups, nudging Wooyoung. 

“Tomorrow. I just want to go home now.” Wooyoung said, kissing Hongjoong’s forehead. 

* * *

  
  
  


Sunday, March 9, 2019

Minah Kim, M.D 

12 pm. Twenty-third transcripted session with Seonghwa, Park.

  
  
  


Dr. Kim: You seem..uneasy?

Mr. Park: I feel like...I don't know. 

Dr. Kim: Seonghwa? What happened? 

Mr. Park: I'm confused by all of this. I don't know what to do with San. 

Dr. Kim: What happened with him?

Mr. Park: It's a mess. I like him, _I think like him._ But then, there's Wooyoung between us, and so we have to hide from him. I got drunk alone yesterday you know? Alone in my room. All alone. And I danced. All of that while they had sex in the next room. 

Dr. Kim: It seems that you had your hypomanic episode, don't you Seonghwa?.

Mr. Park: I forgot to take my medicine. 

Dr. Kim: You're being irresponsible! We already talked about why you need to take them regularly.

Mr. Park: Yes. I'm sorry. There's another thing. I think Hongjoong likes me. 

Dr. Kim: Do you like him back?

Mr. Park: I don't know. I'm more focused on San. 

Dr. Kim: Seonghwa. Think about it. What you are doing with San is wrong. 

Mr. Park: San understands me. No one else can like he can.


	10. YOUR FEAR IS RECKLESS, AND IT'S OUT OF YOUR CONTROL

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> implied sexual content ahead!

Wooyoung went to San’s dorm shortly after the talk that he had with Hongjoong. 

He didn't leave it until the very next evening, where he informed Hongjoong that they got together again. 

“I expected something like that from them, to be honest.” - Yeosang said, both of them wasting their time at the mall. Hongjoong shrugged, feeling tired after a whole night of crying in the bathroom. It became his routine, whenever something happens with Seonghwa, he goes to cry. Occasionally, Wooyoung joins him, without Hongjoong's knowledge, where he sits in front of the bathroom, weeps, and curses firstly himself and then the rest, and then leaves shortly before Hongjoong. 

“I was worried when he told me. He never looked so concerned.”

“Yeah, well, “ - Yeosang laughs. “ He can be even worse than you when he is under stress. But he rarely shows it to others. Maybe it's just how Saggitarius works, I don't know.”

“He looks weird too. I think he lost a bunch of weight in a very short time.” - Hongjoong said, stopping by the store that Seonghwa was model for. 

“You would be losing too if you are banging 24/7... Oh wait, you _did lose_ a few kilos.” - Yeosang started laughing uncontrollably, while Hongjoong wandered through the store, not even realizing what Yeosang said to him. 

“Look at him. Are you proud of your boy toy? “ - Yeosang pointed at the big poster that Seonghwa was on. 

“I think I’ve fallen in love with him over again” - Hongjoong swoons while Yeosang makes gagging sounds. 

“Please spare me that romantic shit.” 

“I'm not romantic.” -Hongjoong huffs, peeling off the corner of the poster that Seonghwa was on.

“Yes, yes you are. You are so deep into him that you don't even see…” He stops himself, and Hongjoong raises an eyebrow at him.

“See what?” 

Yeosang shook his head. “Look. I hate to say it like this, but Wooyoung was right. You need to come to your senses. On top of that, I heard that they almost expelled you from work because you forgot about the deadlines. Your work and your studies should be your priority. Not Seonghwa.” 

Hongjoong pouts like a little kid who's been yelled at by his mother. “Seonghwa has nothing to do with my work. And he's not my priority in my life.”

“Bullshit” - Yeosang removes his hand from peeling the whole thing, pulling him by the sleeve to go out. “You can't lie to me. I know you too well.”

Hongjoong opens and closes his mouth, wanting to say something, but it was better for him to be quiet. 

“I love you Hongjoong, I really do, but you can be such a dumbass sometimes.”

“Hey, if you want, I can ditch Seonghwa right now, so we can be together, happy and somewhere far away” - Hongjoong nudged him, jokingly raising eyebrows. 

“Remind me to ask Yunho to be my roommate after this.“ - Yeosang said, face full of disgust. 

* * *

  
  


Muffled screams echoed through the room, as Seonghwa’s bed kept creaking by the weight of two people on it. An upcoming storm didn't bother them at all, both too busy with something else.

Hongjoong was digging his fingers into Seonghwa’s skin, making sure he would leave marks, his sharp teeth nipping Seonghwa’s pretty neck, leaving purple patches. To Seonghwa, it looked like Hongjoong was too territorial, labeling what he thought it was his. 

“Wish we are together.” Hongjoong says between kisses, followed by a loud moan when Seonghwa thrust into him harder than usual.

“Well, we are together now, right?” Seonghwa said panting, once he came down from his high.

“You know well what I meant.” Hongjoong said quietly, cuddling up against Seonghwa’s chest. He could’ve sworn that he felt Seonghwa’s heart skipped a beat. 

“Yeah I know, and I'm trying to avoid it.” 

“Why?” - Hongjoong felt that something wasn't right, as he continued rubbing circles on his skin. 

“Why?” Seonghwa repeats, moving slightly from him. “Hongjoong, why the hell do you want to be with me this much? I'm mentally unstable, I'm bipolar and I'm on..some medications. It's better for _you_ not to be so attached to me. I'm a mess.” 

It was the first time Seonghwa addressed all of his problems _out loud_ , and he was scared of Hongjoong’s reaction, but nothing. Hongjoong was still looking at him the same. 

“I don't care to be honest. My anxiety is through the roof, but that doesn't stop me from being with someone. And you're doing great, to be honest.” Hongjoong pressed their lips together, making Seonghwa climb on him again. 

_Maybe she was right. Maybe Hongjoong won't leave me like the rest._

“I'm all yours now” - he whispers in his ear, connecting their bodies once again. 

  
  


…………………………………………………………………………

  
  


“I'm confused. I'm really confused right now. Wasn't Wooyoung said that he and San are in love like a few days ago? And didn't Hongjoong have a thing with Hwa?” Yeosang raised his hands, giving up from thinking.

“I couldn't believe it, I knew something was happening, but I couldn't believe that the answer was right in front of me. Roommates! The hell with that.” Yunho furrowed his brows, the scene from an hour ago still in his head. He caught San and Seonghwa making out in their room, but thankfully they didn't see him. 

“Do you think that Woo knows about them?” 

“I'm not sure, but I know that they were the catalyst for his weird mood.” 

“What about Hongjoong? I think he needs to know.” Yeosang shook his head, feeling guilty for his friend. “Should we confront them?”

“And do what after that?” Yunho sighed.“ We're gonna make things even worse for them and our friendship. Besides, none of them are really in a real relationship.” 

“That's true, but you cannot deny that they are literally cheating one another. ” Yeosang raised his voice a little. It bothered him. It was his friend and he hated injustice so much, but he knew if he tells him, he would make things even worse. 

“Let's just hope they’re gonna break up soon or resolve this somehow. I'm gonna ask Wooyoung indirectly about this later.” Yunho said, glancing at a concerned friend. 

…………………………………………………………………………

On a very freezing Friday night Hongjoong decided to go to Mingi’s dorm since he was alone, plus he had some alcohol. He was in the middle of a breakdown, knowing that he has exams next week and he needed to relax somehow. 

And the night with Mingi was just what he needed. Mingi was his natural serotonin, a “gift given from Gods” as Jongho once said. 

“Good. You're here. I wanted to begin without you to be honest” - Mingi said, giving him a bear hug, inviting him inside, and immediately giving Hongjoong a bottle. He tilted it, not even caring what was inside. 

“Yeah, I'm sorry I had to wait for Yeosang to come back.” 

“Well” - he started “Let's drink in that name” he chugged his beer in one gulp. Hongjoong was impressed. 

“I didn't know you became a professional drinker.”

“ I've become a lot of things for the past few months.” - he giggled.

“Like what” - Hongjoong snorted at his childish face, walking to the window. It was snowing, just like when he met Seonghwa for the first time. 

_Seonghwa._

As much as he tried not to think about him, he always found something that will remind him. They made a deal not to chat nor talk while he was in Thailand because Seonghwa thought that they were becoming too close. It hurt deep inside.

“For example, I've become one of the popular guys in Uni. I'm a changed man, Hongjoong. I don't know if it's because of my chiseled body or my witty personality, but I'm like Brad Pitt now.”

“Sure thing Brad.” - Hongjoong laughed cause there was no way that he became so popular so suddenly...or? 

Mingi looked at him, took his phone, went to Instagram, and showed it to Hongjoong. 

“What does it say? Six thousand followers? You bet. How many requests? Too fucking much. And just look at the messages. Girls are literally sending me nudes every day.“ - He said while scrolling down. Hongjoong had to admit, he was impressed. Mingi indeed changed his style, and something about him just screamed…different. 

“I'm sure it's just paid bots you hired so you could brag” 

“Do not call my number ever again” - Mingi said firmly, pointing at the door. It made Hongjoong laugh so hard that he almost dropped his beer. 

Mingi handed him another beer, laughing together with him. The rest of the night went just how he was hoping. 

They got wasted in the meantime and Hongjoong started thinking about his future. He was uncertain how things would go in his life, but he was certain that he will do something stupid this night. 

And he did. After the sixth bottle of beer, he was scrolling through Seonghwa's Instagram page, expecting the new posts. He was shooting for some commercial there and it made Hongjoong burst with jealousy. Firstly he thought of sending a bunch of text messages, but he couldn't write. So he came up with something else. 

_‘It's the perfect time for the voicemails.’_ he thinks and of course, he sends a few. 

12:05

“ _I just want to tell you that I miss you….why did you have to go to the fucking Thailand without me?? Anyways I'm drunk and I hope you are alone in the room.”_

_12:35_

_“Yes, I'm fucking jealous if you are thinking about that. I had to send you this although you said we should stop talking for a while. That's fucking mean. THAT'S SO FUCKING MEAN OF YOU TO SAY THAT TO ME, PARK SEONGHWA.”_

_01:12_

_“I know you said you don't want anything serious but fuck it, i...I think I love you and I cannot imagine this shitty life without you. I'm suffering ever since you’re gone. I miss you, GOD I miss you. “_

_01:59_

_“I fucking hate you sometimes”_

  
  


It was three p.m when he got up the next morning and he remembered _everything. The first_ thing that he did was unlocking his phone, searching for new messages from Seonghwa. 

There was none. 

  
  
  
  
  
  



	11. VIOLENCE FETISH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> t/w for some smut and slight choking.

Their first serious fight happened on the day when Seonghwa came back from Thailand. 

Seonghwa went to the dormitory at 10 p.m and he couldn't wait to hug his bed. He was tired and numb from the flight, and all he wanted to do is to take a shower and go to sleep. But his friends had different plans for him, once he got the message from Jongho to come right away to the lower floor, at the cafeteria. He wasn't even trying to go to his room to leave his luggage, so he went straight with it to them. He found all seven of them inside, a small cake on the table and balloons around. 

Great. A welcome party for me. 

It wasn't his fault that he had no reaction to it. More than anything, he got slightly annoyed, because he knew he wasn't going to sleep that night. What he didn't know was that the cake wasn't for him, nor that the small party wasn't for his comeback either. It was for Hongjoong birthday, and he discovered that the hard way. 

Hongjoong despite being ignored by him for the whole time he was gone, came to hug him.

“So? Do you have something to tell me?” he asked, planting a small kiss on Seonghwa's cheek. 

Seonghwa frowned. 

“I'm tired, Hongjoong. We're gonna talk tomorrow about it.” - he said, feeling partially guilty for not answering. But the truth was that he was busy shooting for a few different companies, contracting different jobs, and wandering around without the internet on his phone. Of course, Hongjoong didn't know all of that, so he pushed him as hard as he could away from him, shaking his head in disbelief. 

“You forgot, didn't you?” 

Seonghwa notices eyes full of tears and thinks “this is becoming tiring.” before his brain actually turns on and he realizes that he isn't talking about ignoring his messages. He gulps loudly when he realizes that everyone in the room was looking at him with disappointment in their eyes. 

“Fucking idiot!” - Hongjoong growled at him, storming away with such a loud bang, that he thinks that their doors were broken by now. He screams down the hallway, disturbing half of the people next to them. Seonghwa is left to wonder. 

“Good job ruining his birthday party.” - Yeosang said, voice stern as he was taking the cake back in the fridge. Seonghwa drops to the floor next to his suitcase, almost ripping his hair with a grip. 

You dumb, dumb idiot.

……………………………………………………………………………………

Hongjoong never thought of himself as a drama queen, and he was never one. He always tried to avoid any weird, uncomfortable, or just plain ugly situation by being the most normal and calming person out there. 

Of course, there were moments where he was too tired or like now, too overwhelmed with life to act as he wanted so when he started yelling at Seonghwa, pushing him out of his dorm and screaming at him so everyone around could hear, he managed to alert the security too, barely getting out of the trouble with the help of Jongho who explained the situation.

Seonghwa felt deep regret, like never before, so he needed to apologize. One thing was stopping him, and it was the door. Hongjoong locked himself in his room, not letting anyone inside. 

“Hongjoong, I'm sorry. I was so busy with this work, and my mind went completely downhill, forgive me please.” 

“Fuck off! ” Hongjoong screamed at the closed door. 

“Just let me talk to you. I will make it up to you, I promise.” 

Blood rushed through Hongjoong, and he took his phone and threw it towards the door with such power that it broke into pieces. 

He was having a mental breakdown, now he was sure of it. 

………………………………………………………………………………

Saturday, August 29, 2019

Minah Kim, M.D 

12 pm. Thirty transcripted session with Seonghwa, Park.

Mr. Park: They're gonna make it official. 

Dr. Kim: Who is gonna make it official and what? 

Mr. Park: San and Wooyoung. Their relationship. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to react to that. Guess I have to continue this..stuff with Hongjoong. Wooyoung on the other hand is not talking with me cause I slept with San without his knowledge. 

Dr. Kim: You’re still sleeping with your roommate, despite the fact that he has a boyfriend? 

Mr. Park: Sometimes. He knows about it, most of the time. And I realized how hard I'm trying to avoid San now. I hate when people are trying to make me jealous. I lose interest in them.

Dr. Kim: I think both you and me know why you lost interest in San. 

Mr. Park: I...I don't love Hongjoong. I don't want the attachment. 

Dr. Kim: Fear of abandonment is normal, but as I said, nobody is going to leave you anytime soon. 

Mr. Park: I cannot stand another goodbye. I cannot be attached to him, knowing that one day he is going to leave me. 

Dr. Kim: You have to talk to him. Are you taking your medications regularly? 

Mr. Park: Yeah. 

………………………………………………

Reconciling with Seonghwa was a process both for Hongjoong and for Yeosang. 

Yeosang barely had any strength left from stopping Hongjoong from any other dangerous action, and after he managed to do it, he made him a cup of tea to calm him, explaining to him that Seonghwa was indeed busy. He told himself after that chat with Yunho that he will try everything to make them work. He wasn't sure why. 

Later on, he decided it was best to text Seonghwa to come. He agreed, only after he was assured it was safe for him to come, without something flying to his face.

“Stay here if you want, I'm going to be at Mingi’s dorm, so you can call me if you need me. Wooyoung is not here and Yunho went to the gym. “ Yeosang said, yawning.

“ I cannot thank you enough Yeosang.” Seonghwa said, looking tired as usual. 

“You can buy me some dessert for dinner” 

“Whatever you say. I owe you more than that.” 

Hongjoong was in his room, listening to the whispers that came from the hall. He knew Seonghwa was going to come and after his breakdown, he felt like nothing mattered anymore. 

“Hongjoong. Are you okay?” he saw a dark figure coming inside. Seonghwa looked like he took a shower, because his hair was wet, messily slicked behind. He had his plain black shirt on with the black pants. 

Basically, to Hongjoong he looked like the herald of death. 

“What do you think? I'm tired as fuck. I've been waiting for you ever since this morning and I was sure you at least were preparing me for some kind of a surprise because you didn't even try to answer my messages. And I thought, well he sure wanted to congratulate me live. And here you are, angry at me? For what? Making you stay a little bit longer? “

Seonghwa quietly listened, carefully approaching him. He sat on the bed, taking his hand. 

“You don't know how sorry I am. I really am. I was...I was really tired, Hongjoong, they almost harassed me there and I slept like...six hours total.”

Before he managed to finish his sentence, Hongjoong grabs a fistful of Seonghwa’s hair and throws his head back with a loud moan.

“Don't you ever dare do something similar to me.” - he says getting closer to him. Seonghwa pushes himself, hands on Hongjoong’s chest as he moves closer to kiss him. 

“You will get a new phone for a birthday.” He plants a kiss on the corner of Hongjoong’s lips, slowly moving down to press small kisses everywhere on his body until he’s swallowing Hongjoong whole.

……………………………………………………

If you were to take a sneak peek into Seonghwa’s gallery, you would find a lot of weird, dark, unnecessary, and funny pictures. Then, there are a few pictures with Jongho, one or two with the random animals, and his own pictures. But, what he most had was San’s pictures. Whether they were taken by Seonghwa, nudes, or just close up of San, Seonghwa loved to collect pictures of him. For Seonghwa, San was a work of art. 

A magnificent Michelangelo's David.

A better one. 

He wouldn't call it love or obsession. He would call it appreciation. He liked pretty, delicate, symmetrical stuff and stuff that he could admire. It was like his hobby, his way of relaxation. 

Maybe that was the reason that he invited San into his room, the day after he got in a fight with Hongjoong. He needed a distraction from that boy. Seonghwa liked San’s features. His sculpted nose? His small red lips? With a clear skin and gaze so intense that it was driving him insane? 

He let out a small moan when San’s lips touched his. 

Sure, San wasn't Hongjoong. Hongjoong for Seonghwa wasn't perfect. Wasn't even close to being perfect, according to his views of the beauty world, but he felt some kind of warmth when he sees Hongjoong, and he knew that was enough for Seonghwa to start avoiding him. He knew what it meant.

“I'm sorry for what happened Hwa” 

Hongjoong got mad again because Seonghwa didn't want to go for lunch with him, resulting in Hongjoong screaming how he cannot do it anymore. It was awkward and he felt judged by Yunho, who accidentally was there in that mess.

“Let's not talk about him tonight okay?” 

“Okay” 

It hurted deep inside. He didn't want to admit it, as it was the sign of his weakness. 

“Let me get rid of your stress, okay?”

“What do you have in mind?” 

“Use me, abuse me, I don't care.” 

Weakness called Hongjoong.

“There’s a short line between using and abusing people, San.” 

“I can handle you and your wicked desires. Plus I just gave you the permission. It's okay. Trust me.” 

That's why he liked San. He wasn't afraid of anything. He was up for everything. San was actually as vicious as he was, and not many people knew that side of him. 

“Oh my fuck” 

Low whimpers were coming out from San’s mouth as Seonghwa was really pushing his limits now, few tears slid down the San’s temples. 

Funny, Seonghwa thinks. Hongjoong never liked being helpless. Always in control. 

“San? Are you okay?” Seonghwa slows down, looking at him. San’s eyes were shut as he nodded a few times. Surely he wasn't okay, but he was okay in some weird way. 

So Seonghwa places a few kisses on his neck. It was wet and salty from his tears but it didn't matter at this point anymore. 

He remembered how Hongjoong bit him once for his thigh. Moment of passion or carelessness, he managed to make him a small wound, since his teeth were kinda sharp. How many times did he make him unwanted hickeys? Too many times. 

Seonghwa flips him over after a while, mind blank, blank beside one thought. 

His only thought. 

He pushes San's face into the soft pillow, ready to finish this little play. 

“I'm gonna come, okay?” Seonghwa says. And before San could act, he felt Seonghwa pulling him back firmly with his hand on San’s neck, gripping it as hard as he could. San didn't really have the time to act, as he was being left without air. He should’ve known what was coming, hearing low grunts, and then release. 

San needed a few minutes to come to his senses after this play. His throat burned more than any part of his body. 

“Are you okay?” Seonghwa looks mostly concerned now when he is done, seeing how San is staring blankly at the ceiling, eyes wide open, breathing shallowly. 

“I forgot about your little kink.” San suddenly says, “In some way, it was both terrifying and lustful.” 

“Sorry. I got carried away.“ Seonghwa says sweetly, hugging him. 

“Nah, don't worry, I enjoyed it.” 

“I know you did. At least the last time you said you did.” 

“Last time when we did this, you weren't fighting with Hongjoong.” 

Oh yeah. The joy of lying. 

If anything, Seonghwa knew that this between them started as purely platonic, and ended up like this. He also knew that San had feelings for him, but it wasn't his problem. His feelings were long gone. They made a deal for this to end, after Wooyoung realized that they’ve been still fucking, despite his warnings. 

“You can't deal with the devil, you know?” San said to him after one especially coarse night. It took him aback, already planning to end this somehow, with or without his will. 


	12. GO INSANE FROM THE BITTER FEELING

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw// implied drug use and overdosing

“Have you heard about Byounggon overdosing? Everyone is talking about it.” Mingi informed, while the rest of them, minus Hongjoong, were sitting on a bench, eating lunch. 

“Yeah, apparently, he mixed several kinds of drugs, got into a coma or something.” Jongho commented, waving with a fork. 

Yeosang, Seonghwa, and Yunho looked at each other silently, their eyes widening.  The rest of them uncomfortably ate their lunch, not saying a word. Mostly because they all knew that Byounggon was Wooyoung's ex.  An ex who, after their breakup many years ago, continued supplying the group with all sorts of drugs. 

Now, the thing about consuming drugs was a sort of taboo between some of them, since Jongho and Wooyoung were against any type of drugs, some of them were neutral, and some of them were taking them in secret. 

“Is he..okay?” Wooyoung hesitated to ask, looking nervously at Mingi. 

“He is in a coma, Wooyoung. I doubt that he can be okay.” 

Wooyoung laughed nervously, avoiding San’s gaze.  San was, unknown to others why, mad at Wooyoung ever since yesterday. 

“So I was wondering, are we all up for Wooyoung's birthday party at my old apartment? Yes?” - Seonghwa raised his voice, changing the subject on purpose. All of them nodded in confirmation, not even trying to be happy because of the party. 

“C’mon Woo, raise your chin a little. It's you who should be organizing this party, not me.” 

“I'm leaving it in your hands Seonghwa. I wish I could help, but you know I'm struggling with the Tech Project. Besides, San would like to help you, I know how much he likes that kind of stuff.” Wooyoung said sarcastically, making some sorts of shapes with his leftovers.  Both San and Seonghwa jerked their eyebrows, looking at sullen Wooyoung. 

“Yeah, sure, no problem Woo. I'm sure we're gonna have plenty of fun.  _ All alone _ .” San said with the same tone. It made clear for the rest that this is something personal going on, including Seonghwa.  _ Ménage à Trois  _ as Yeosang called them. 

“I'm off to the class” Yeosang waved off, followed by the rest of them until the only persons left at the table were San and Wooyoung. They were left to argue, while the group divided itself. 

“This is becoming a mess” - Yunho said shaking his head. “This isn't the same group as we were a few years ago.”

“Nobody is the same as two years ago. People change Yunho.” Yeosang grunted at Yunho, who was surprised at his reaction. “Starting from you. You are not the same as you were two years ago. You become this...egoistic, full of pride type of guy. Not to mention that you started sleeping with everything that has two legs and two holes? What are you, Casanova in an attempt? Mingi number two?” Yeosang was practically shouting at Yunho, who was blinking, not even processing his words. 

“Yeosang, calm the fuck down. Everyone is staring at us.” Seonghwa said through the teeth, grabbing his upper arm. 

Yeosang jerked off, looking almost offended.  “Don't tell me what to do _ , you piece of trash. _ You are the reason for all of this bad happening! You are the reason that this group is falling apart! _ ”  _ he screamed, running away from them.

“Yeosang!” - Yunho tried to run after him, but he was already lost in the crowd. 

“Let him go. He will get back to normal soon” Seonghwa said, faintly smiling.

“What is his problem these days?” Yunho frowned. He hated this moody Yeosang. 

“I think I know why.” 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Day before

Seonghwa woke up to the screaming sound of his alarm. It was his every day 9 am alarm, intended so he could get up and do something productive. 

But this morning was different from his usual mornings. 

The first thing that he noticed was that he wasn't in his room, and second, someone, who was not Hongjoong or San, was right beside him. Upon closer look, he recognized his seatmate from Literature, Junhyuk.  He sighed, rubbing his eyes. His fingertips felt tingly and his throat burned. Every muscle in his body ached, he wanted to stand up, but his head started throbbing so suddenly, that he needed to lay down.

_ What the fuck did I do? _

He stood up again, now more carefully than the first time, closing his eyes tightly when he felt the pain in his lower side of the head.  And then, he spotted on the nightstand, what may seem like the credit card and a rolled bill. 

_ Right. Coke and alcohol.  _

He went straight to the bathroom, locking himself inside.  His memory was blurred, as he repeated the scenes from last night. He felt like he was going to puke.  It wasn't right. It wasn't right at all. 

He looked at himself in the mirror, seeing dried blood smeared around his nose. His face was puffy and his lips were almost purple.  Seonghwa washes his face with the soap, rubbing it as hard as he could. He needed to take a shower too. He felt dirty. Dirty inside and outside.  Seeing a few used condoms in the bin didn't help either, as he stormed out of the bathroom, grabbing his stuff, carefully opening the bedroom door. 

He realized he was in the house and not in the apartment as he thought first. 

“Seonghwa?” a voice was coming from downstairs. He looked down, seeing Yeosang in the oversized shirt, covering his eyes with his hand, as he was eating something. 

“Yeosang? What are you doing here?” he came down, realizing how weird Yeosang looks. 

“You don't remember? We came together along with the Junhyuk. Byounggon invited us.” 

Seonghwa had a hard time remembering that information for some reason.  “Yeah, kind of. I feel like shit. Did I take some kind of drugs maybe?”

Yeosang started laughing. “  _ You  _ are  asking  _ me  _ if you did drugs when I wasn't even with you last night” 

“Where were you?” Seonghwa huffs, carefully looking around the room.

“Well….in the other room with Byounggon. But don't worry, it’s not what you think it is.” he chuckled, waving with his hands. 

“Let's go home Yeosang. I cannot stay here for too long. I have class at 1 p.m. “

“Well, then, lead the way, lover boy.”

A situation like this, finding himself sleeping with a random person, almost drugged, happened most often these days, but the situation to be with his friend in the same situation, wasn't something that he went through yet.  He tried to call Jongho, the only person that won't ask too many questions, but he wasn't answering. He couldn't call anyone else, because it would make sheer panic among them.  He found some money on the table next to him, so he called a taxi.  But first, he needed to find Yeosang's belongings. If he learned something from these kinds of parties, it was ' _ do not leave your belongings around. ' _ He managed to find his pants and jacket, laying in the living room, and his shoes in the hall. Then, he called a taxi, leaving this place for good. 

  
  
  
....................................  
  


Yeosang was already awoken from his nap when Seonghwa came inside the dorm alone. Hongjoong was out somewhere so he took a chance to talk to Yeosang. Seonghwa couldn't bother with his classes so he took a shower shortly after dropping Yeosang, trying to cleanse himself. It didn't work. He still felt dirty. 

“How are you feeling?” Seonghwa asked, making himself a coffee. Weirdly, he felt like he belonged there. 

“Like shit. By the way, thanks for taking me home. I was partly drunk.” - he said, giving him a sign to make him a coffee too. 

Seonghwa didn't want to ask too many unnecessary questions, but if he knew something, that was Yeosang wasn't even close to being drunk. Still, he nodded.

“I'm glad you’re okay, but honestly, I don't even remember anything. I think some scenes kept coming back to my head randomly, but I really don't remember how you ended up going with me?

“You seriously don't remember me coming shortly after you? Wow, what drugs did you do Seonghwa?” - He asked, a tiny smile creeping on his lips. 

Seonghwa was sure that Yeosang said that they came together. But why he would lie about that? Something wasn't right as he could notice.

“So? What did you do with him in his room, the whole night?” Seonghwa asked with a curious tone. He knew that Byounggon was Wooyoung's ex-boyfriend, and didn't know what the fuck was Yeosang trying to do. 

“Well, nothing to be honest. He was making out with someone while I was using his drugs. And then the blackout happened, and then I woke up on the chair.” 

“You what?” 

“You heard it right” 

“You are using drugs?” Seonghwa frowned. It was partially true. He didn't know until this morning. Yeosang shrugged. 

“Sometimes. I need it because of the current situation. Everyone finds different ways to get rid of stress right?“

“What _did_ you take last night?” Seonghwa came closer, leaving the steaming cup of coffee in front of him. 

“Better ask, what we didn't” Yeosang said, blowing into the coffee.  Seonghwa stared at him blankly. 

“But! Before you say anything, I know the right dose.”

“That's fucking careless Yeosang!” Seonghwa shouted, his mug hitting the table, spilling half of the coffee.

“It's not my first time. Besides, I could ask you the same thing. Also, you seem like you cannot sit at all on that wooden stool. Should I be worried about you cheating my best friend?” Yeosang said dryly. Seonghwa instinctively tried to find the most comfortable position to sit, jolting from his seat when he felt the sharp pain in his lower back. He hated how Yeosang could easily see right through him. 

“Be careful how you behave towards me.” Seonghwa threatened. “I could just leave you there, with a bunch of drug addicts.” 

“Well, you should...I would be having the time of my life right now.”

“Yeah...dead.” 

There was a long silence after that.

“You didn't answer my question Seonghwa. Are you cheating on my best friend?” Yeosang’s voice was stern, determined to find out. After all, what Seonghwa didn't know was that he came to that party uninvited, just because so he could spy on Seonghwa…and maybe get some free drugs along the way. 

“We are not together so technically it doesn't count.” Seonghwa sighted, gritting his teeth. “But do not tell him. He doesn't need to know. I don't want to hurt him.” 

Yeosang started laughing maniacally. “TO _HURT HIM_? You idiot! He is suffering because of you for so long and after all of your bullshit later, you don't want to hurt him? Oh, and by the way, I know about San. You should be ashamed of yourself.”

“To repeat myself,  _ we are not together _ . I sai-” but before he could finish his sentence, Wooyoung came inside. 

“Why are you here?” Wooyoung asks, staring at Seonghwa, and judging by the looks, he was pissed. 

“Came to see Yeosang. What is your problem Woo?” Seonghwa asked massaging his temples. He, after all of this, wasn't really in a mood to fight with Wooyoung. 

Wooyoung on the other hand, looked like he was in a mood to argue, as he was scanning Seonghwa from head to toe. 

“So now Yeosang too knows about San and you. Nice. Wonder who else knows. Or should I tell Hongjoong, just to be sure everyone knows?” 

“Wooyoung, now it's not the time. I told you, San and I are long gone. He’s all yours.”

Wooyoung pauses for a second. “Maybe I should start sleeping with Hongjoong, so you will know how it feels. “

That's when Seonghwa stood up, and left without a word.

  
  


Back at the dorm, he found San sitting on the floor, in the dark. He startled him so much that he jumped when he saw him.

“What are you doing here in the dark? You scared me.” 

“Waiting for you. You weren't home ever since yesterday, and you weren't answering my messages either. Hongjoong got worried so I had to lie how I took your phone so you could study.” his voice was rough, and Seonghwa took a step back. 

“I was at the party with Yeosang. We stayed overnight at his friend’s apartment. Sorry for not answering, I was really drunk.”

“Yeah, okay, no worries.” San got up, giving him a hug. “I kinda missed you. It was empty here without you.” he said gently, giving him a peck on the lips. Seonghwa took another step back. 

“San..wait. Wooyoung attacked me back at their dorm. What happened between you two again?” 

San sighted, moving back to the couch. “He was being delusional if he thinks that I'm going to move with him back to Incheon upon graduating. He and I don't share the same dreams, nor the same views on some stuff. I don't know how much we can withstand this.” 

“Don't be too harsh on him. He is just in love. I'm sure you know the feeling.” Seonghwa said, biting his tongue the moment he said the last part, seeing a face full of pain staring at him.

“Yeah. Sadly I know.” 

“San...we’ve been through this too many times.” 

“I know. I'm sorry. “ he said, biting his lip. Seonghwa sat next to him, shaking his head. “I just...I would rather be with you than with him.” San whispered, playing with Seonghwa’s fingers. He withdrew his hand suddenly, making San looking almost miserable. “Hwa... let's sleep, please.” 

“I'm not going to fuck with you, San. Not anymore. I already told you that.” 

“Then hold my hand until I fall asleep.” San pouts, eyeing Seonghwa's purple marks on his neck.  It was hard for Seonghwa to say no to anything that San suggested, as he took him bridal style, carrying him straight to the bedroom.  He stayed with him until he fell asleep, holding his hand as he promised, then he carefully walked out of the bedroom, looking for his phone.  He found so many messages from all kinds of different people, including Junhyuk. 

He opened the message, almost dropping his phone. 

**From:Jun**

Dude...that fucker overdosed, i don't know if he is gonna make out alive. I cleaned everything and called the police. You’re welcome. 

Ps: Let's repeat the last night someday? ;) 

He started shaking, reading, again and again, the message. He ran to the cabinet, rummaging for his antianxiety pills. He took a few of them and then called a number that was on his at the top of his favourite contacts. 

“Hello, Dr. Kim? I'm sorry for calling this late, I just wanted to schedule an appointment, as soon as possible.” 


	13. HOLD ME LIKE YOU HELD ON TO LIFE

Jongho blankly stared at two boys arguing and wondered what the hell he did in his past life that he deserved this. It was like he was watching his parents over and over again. 

“ _This is the last time I trusted you! You can take your apologies and shove it in your ass, you lying idiot!”_

Now, when he thinks, he actually feels like the little kid in the group, watching them argue most of the time. This situation was the same as the other ones. They were aware of his presence, yes, but that didn't bother them.

“ _Grow up Wooyoung! We are not teenagers anymore_!” 

Jongho seats himself on the soft grass, resting his chin in the palm of his own hand. It didn't bother him that the grass was covered with a tiny layer of snow. He was tired. 

_“Fuck you San! I'm so sick of your lies!”_

He observed both of his friends, feeling restlessness in his chest. He didn't want to choose side. _Again._

Wooyoung pulls his hand, making him stand up suddenly. “Let's go Jongho. We have some things to do.” he says, dragging the poor boy out of the University yard.

He waved at San, running to catch his friend. “ I'm so sorry for this. “ he heard his friend saying, faintly smiling.

“It's okay, I got used to this.” Jongho lies. He felt uncomfortable, seeing yet another friend of his suffering. He pretended like he didn't see how Wooyoung secretly was wiping away tears with his sleeve, and saying how he caught a cold when he started sniffing. 

Yes, both Wooyoung and Jongho were surprisingly good actors for a situation when they showed some weakness in front of each other, not wanting to scare one another with their emotions.

“What was so important? I wanted to go home and sleep, to be honest.”

Wooyoung turned around, huffing. “I wanted you to help me with my birthday party.” he said, looking at his phone. 

“I thought that you are celebrating at Seonghwa’s old-”

“No.” Wooyoung interrupted. “ I don't want to. I'm going to make a party where we had that Halloween party last year. At San friend's house.”

“Are you doing that on purpose?”

“You read my mind baby.” he said before he called his cab. 

  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  


Hongjoong was waiting for Seonghwa in front of the building. It was already 9:45 and he was nervously tapping with his boots on the soft snow. Both of them were supposed to be the first guests at Wooyoung’s birthday party, but they ended up last. Why? Because Seonghwa had some business to do. It was normal at this point, for him to disappear for a few days. 

Hongjoong spotted him walking slowly, looking at the ground. He had a black choker, black hair falling on his eyes. Basically, everything on him was black. Hongjoong started laughing because he was the pure opposite. White hair, white turtleneck, his fluffy white jacket, white pants, and shoes. 

Seonghwa raised his head to the sound, realizing why he has been laughing. 

“Well, isn't this cute?”

Both of them laughed for a while, eyeing each other from head to toe. 

“We are like Yin and Yang, Hwa, look at us.” He said, trying to catch a breath. But little that he knows that their duality was far away from the Yin and Yang. In their case, they have proven that two negatives can hardly make a positive.

It was an extravagant party since Wooyoung liked to spend money on unnecessary things. Lots of balloons, confetti, signs “happy birthday” and lots of alcohol. They found him wandering around, sipping what seemed like some kind of cocktail. 

“Funny, if I didn't know you two, I would say you forgot about my birthday.” Wooyoung commented, looking at the unusual couple.

“Funny indeed, I didn't know that you were gonna dress up as the escort dude from the eighties.” Seonghwa replied, raising an eyebrow at Wooyoung’s leopard silk shirt, revealing half of his chest.

“I'm vibing with this new look Seonghwa, don't act like a grandpa.” Wooyoung huffed at poor Seonghwa. “Also do you like my new undercut? Jongho did it.” 

“I like it. You look...different” Hongjoong commented, feeling a slight pinch on his hip from Seonghwa. 

“Yeah, plus I started working out as you may notice, thank you very much. Also...I cut out some toxic people from my life so yeah.” 

“Don't tell me…” Seonghwa clenched his jaw, remembering _the chat_ with San. 

“Yeah, we broke up again. No, he isn't here. I didn't let him come, although he wanted to.” Wooyoung sighted, biting his inner lip. 

“Seriously, you two are like little kids.” Hongjoong rolled his eyes. He felt sorry for them actually. 

“Listen, I don't want to have this conversation right now. If you excuse me I'm going to get drunk, and I'm advising you two to do it with me” 

So they listened to him, dancing around. They sang karaoke. They did a few shots together and kissed in front of everybody. Hongjoong felt blissed, putting hands around Seonghwa’s neck, slowly dancing to the song that he didn't know the words. 

“This is perfect Seonghwa. You’re perfect.” he whispered into his ear, slowly kissing his neck. It made Seonghwa chuckle, turning his head and kissing him deeply. It became hestic, once both of Hongjoong hands started roaming underneath Seonghwa’s shirt, closing the distance between them. 

“I love you” 

“I know” 

And just like that, Hongjoong’s bubble bursts within the seconds. He stopped kissing him, pushing away. Seonghwa looks rather confused. 

“You know. _You know?_ ” - he rethores “Third time I'm confessing and _you know_?” his whole body tensing, as he clenched his fists.

It was his second time, being left with no answer. It happened a few weeks ago, both of them were drunk, and in the midst of lovemaking, he burst the only thing that was on his mind, aching. 

“I love you Seonghwa.” 

He got no answer and he wasn't even being bothered by it until tomorrow, where the Hongjoong in his vulnerable state remembers what he had said. Then, it bothered him for the last couple of days.

Seonghwa drags him in the first available room before he makes a scene. Since both of them were tipsy, it made things easier since he didn't resist that much. 

“Seonghwa, answer me.” he says, shame and sadness running through his body. 

“What do you want me to say?” Seonghwa turns around, looking straight into Hongjoong’s eyes. “It's hard for me to say those words, Hongjoong! I never said it to anyone, I'm sorry, but you pushed me out of my comfort zone. “ he exploded. 

“You know what, I'm sick and tired of this. It's humiliating! I have serious feelings for you and it's killing me all of this...playing with you.” Hongjoong came closer to him, threatening him with his finger. Seonghwa didn't even flinch, keeping it quiet for a bit. “I want a straight answer, right here and now. Are we in a relationship or not?” 

Seonghwa sighted heavily, stepping away from him. “I'm in a very dark place right now and I don't know if I can handle a relationship.” - he says looking at the floor when he felt a throbbing pain around his cheek and jaw.

“ _Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you and your dark place! I don't wanna ever see you again, do you hear me? Get the fuck out”_ Hongjoong screamed at him, still holding his fist up in the air.

Seonghwa left quietly, a feeling of sickness running through his body, as he stormed into the bathroom _._ He laid in the bathtub, grabbed something from his pocket. letting the gloomy feelings overwhelming him. 

  
  
  


“Make a wish Wooyoung!” - Yunho said, giving him a small cake to blow. Wooyoung clapped with his hands like a little child. 

“You’re the best Yunho. Seriously, if I wanted a better roommate, I wouldn't find it.” 

His birthday was still ongoing, as Yunho shoved him in the storage room, wanting to surprise him. Although Wooyoung was partially tipsy, he was aware of everything.

“Well, not to be cocky, but I really am the best! Right!” he giggled, smearing the frosting on his nose. Wooyoung screamed a little, trying to fight back, only ending up being covered with frosting all over his face. 

“Forget everything I've said.” he said trying to wipe it off. It wasn't working, since he was feeling like he made it worse now. 

“Hey Woo, did you wish for something?” Yunho wiggled his eyebrows, helping him take the frosting off his face.

“Nah. Wishes are for kids.” 

“C’mon, wish for something.” Yunho hopped around. “It's a tradition” 

Wooyoung groaned. “Fine. I did it.” He said after squeezing his eyes for a second. 

“So, are we going to go out or I have to fear for my ass right now?” 

Wooyoung rolled his eyes, opening the small door which led into the hall. And right in front of the bedroom door, he noticed something that looked like a white furball, sitting on the floor. 

Yunho was quick to realize who and what it was, as he quickly was standing next to him. 

“Hongjoong, are you okay? What happened?” he asks, patting his head. Hongjoong was sobbing quietly, explaining what happened, choking himself with tears. 

Wooyoung hugged him. “It's okay, I understand you.” 

“You don't.”

“Hongjoong, stop being pathetic and come with me.“ Wooyoung firmly said, grabbing him by the hand. Hongjoong gulps, standing up. “You need to get your shit together. And you're gonna do it now.” 

“Gee, Wooyoung, since when did you become such a serious guy? “ Yunho asks, standing a meter from them. He felt like it was time for him to go somewhere else, so he followed them up to the bar, noticing Mingi on the sofa.

“Shut up. I don't have too much time until this party is over and I want to squeeze every good stuff out of it.” Wooyoung says, grabbing another colorful glass of cocktail. 

“Don't drink too much buddy, someone needs to be sober at least a bit.” Yunho says, biting his lip, already sensing what’s going to happen.

Hongjoong thanked the dim lights for hiding his face. He tried not to think about Seonghwa, as he took the same drink as Wooyoung. “Cheers Woo. For you and a new beginning.” 

“You are so cute when tipsy” Wooyoung praises him, his voice raspy, eyes fixated on him.

Hongjoong insides were turning upside down as he laughed nervously, clenching the glass in his hand. 

_“The same mistake as before Hongjoong, don't make the same mistake as before!”_

His mind was screaming, as he started to get dizzy. 

  
  


…………………………………………………………

“Are they for real?” Mingi asks Yunho, pointing at Wooyoung and Hongjoong, who shared their personal space a little _too personal._

“Act like you don't see them. Both of them are having hard times right now, and I'm not justifying this behavior just...let them be, okay?” 

“Whatever man, I don't care really. It's just... I think I saw Seonghwa here somewhere.” Mingi casually says.

“Where?” Yunho’s eyes were already everywhere, trying to find the target before the upcoming storm. He spotted him a few meters from the bathroom.

He quickly runs towards him, already noticing that something isn't right.

“It isn't supposed to be this hard, it shouldn't be this hard Yunho.” Seonghwa whimpers. His eyes were like glass, almost dead. 

Yunho wasn't stupid, as he started rumbling through his jacket, finding inside a small empty bag. 

“What did you take, Seonghwa?” he asks, carefully, looking for a sign that he is at least present. 

“It hurts” his breath was raspy, eyes already started to close. 

Yunho was afraid to let go of him in case he collapsed, so he slipped an arm around his waist, dragging him back to Mingi. 

“Mingi you need to help me. We need to take him to the hospital right now, without making a scene here. I'm gonna explain in the car, okay? Just hold him.”

Mingi looked at Seonghwa dumbfoundedly, jumping at ease, taking him for the other side. 

“Seonghwa, can you hear me?” Yunho shook his head, as he was half unconscious, “Don't fall asleep okay?” 

………………………………………………………

Hongjoong couldn't remember when they managed to climb to the empty room where he and Seonghwa had been arguing an hour ago. It was like he was having a Deja vu again. 

Only this time, a better one. 

Wooyoung gently kissed the back of Hongjoong’s neck and behind his ear and under his jaw, as Hongjoong lets his mind wander. And Wooyoung wasn't stupid. He understood the situation very well, as he began to notice the cracks under Hongjoong’s mask. Hongjoong’s situation with Seonghwa was as toxic as his with San. 

Both of them were fully dressed up, not even trying to go any further. It was a trick question that bothered Hongjoong ever since that night. If you were to pair two bottoms, what would happen?It was quite content like this. Kissing as the most intimate stuff? Yeah right. Wooyoung deepened the kiss, nudging his tongue into Hongjoong’s mouth as Hongjoong’s mind went hazy. 

_Self-control._

He chanted inside himself, trying not to think about any other part of the body. It seems like Wooyoung was playing along, as he stopped his hands from moving around Hongjoong. Devouring kisses were switched with small pecks, until both of them stopped, looking at one another with some sort of blaze in their eyes. 

“What now?” 

Wooyoung shifts into a sitting position on the bed, followed up by Hongjoong, mimicking his position, sitting a few centimeters far from him, letting their knees touch. 

“Are you okay?” Wooyoung asks. 

“I'm trying not to think about it” 

“What do you want me to do?”

Hongjoong suddenly felt immense sadness, realizing that what he had with Seonghwa was probably over. He feels a hand caressing his cheek, as he looks again at Wooyoung.

“Make it go away.”

  
  



	14. IF I OFFER YOU MY SOUL, WILL YOU CARRY ME AWAY?

“I love him, yes I freaking do, but I couldn’t tell him! I'm so stupid! God!” Seonghwa screamed and cried while throwing a tantrum in the backseat of the car. Yunho and Mingi were sitting at the front, waiting for this disturbing behavior to pass. 

Seonghwa begged them not to take him to the doctor, pleading that whatever he took, he took a very small amount and that he didn't overdose, he was just acting tired as usual. Normally, they made him throw up because Yunho was afraid of the other substances in his body. To make things even worse Seonghwa didn't want to admit what he took, so they had to stay with him until he was better. 

“I'm sleepy and it's five a.m. For how long are we going to play babysitter, cause I wanna sleep.” Mingi whined, whispering, only to be punched in the arm.

“Stop acting like a little bitch Mingi. You don't realize the importance of this situation, do you?” Yunho says through the teeth. And it looked like Seonghwa heard them cause he stopped with his tantrum, giving the small sobs here and there. Mingi turned behind, only to meet Seonghwa’s raging eyes. He quickly turns around, eyes wide. 

“You can look at me Mingi. I don't bite...yet.” Seonghwa says, looking too calm so suddenly. Yunho turns around too, his head too heavy to think about how he should behave. 

“Are you feeling okay now?” Yunho asks, scared to say anything that will trigger him even more. 

“No.” He says, repeatedly scratching his left arm, leaving marks every time he would cross over.

“Wanna talk about it?” 

“No.“ Sengohwa repeated coldly. Both Mingi and Yunho sighted, driving off to their dorms. They were tired and asleep. 

“I'm gonna sleep with you in case you start to feel worse, okay?” Yunho scratches his neck, receiving a small nod from Seonghwa. 

“Well this was fun, let's repeat this night, but without the last three hours!” Mingi sarcastically said, waving off. 

“I'm not sure if I can endure anyone now, especially people in your dorm. Can I sleep in the car?” Seonghwa quietly says, clutching tight the small blanket on him. 

“Of course not. What about your dorm? Where is San anyways?” Yunho asks, suddenly remembering their stray friend. “Besides, no one is going to be home until tomorrow. You can sleep in our room without worries.” Yunho says, eyeing Seonghwa. His eyes were still red from crying, his cheeks were glowing from the yellow light on the parking lot. His body started shaking once he got out of the car, reacting to the cold morning. 

“I don't really care where he is.” he responds, watching the city lights shining in the distance.

“Fine, our dorm is it then.” Yunho says, locking the car, grabbing Seonghwa’s hand, and leading him to his room, where he left him to make himself ready. He hated his situation from the depth of his soul. Yeosang was right. They are falling apart. 

  
  


………………………………………………………………

Hongjoong woke up in a cold sweat. He was dreaming some pretty morbid stuff about Seonghwa, and he started sobbing quietly next to the sleepy Wooyoung. He was hurt, once again, but this time he swore that it was the last time he would cry because of him. It was enough. They tried, and they failed. Seonghwa didn't love him and that was the last straw. 

Wooyoung, like he knew what was going on, woke up, cupping Hongjoong’s crying face with his hand. 

“I knew it. I knew that you were gonna be in tears in the morning.” He said sleepily, lifting up his arm so Hongjoong could settle closer to him. 

“Let me cry for one last time.” he says, wiping his tears. He was anxious, among other things. 

Wooyoung groaned, squeezing poor Hongjoong. “You're not allowed to cry anymore Joong.''

Hongjoong let out a breathy laugh, kissing his hand. “We should get up and help your friend tidy up here.” he reminded him.

“Well, we could, or we could just-” Wooyoung says, coming closer and gently kissing Hongjoong, once on the mouth and once on the forehead. “You know, do something funnier” 

“Like what?” Hongjoong impatiently asks, looking straight into his eyes. Wooyoung giggles, kissing his cheek.

“Like annoying our friends a little bit.” 

  
  
  


“Please tell me that I'm not dreaming” Jongho gagged, seeing Wooyoung and Hongjoong in the park, kissing. Jongho’s window was looking straight to the park and it was hard not to miss those two. Although it was a cold morning, they seemed okay with that. 

“I'm officially giving up with them. They are a pure disgrace. All four of them. ” Yeosang raised his hands, shaking his head. He was already mad at Seonghwa, and now those two decided to fuck his life even more. 

“They literally made a full circle with one another.”

His heart stopped suddenly when he saw those two waving back at them, Wooyoung with the shit-eating grin and Hongjoong innocently smiling back at Yeosang. 

He closed his curtains harshly. 

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


Seonghwa has been observing Hongjoong ever since they started their usual dance practice. He was refusing to talk with him, while annoying others. Basically, he became a new Wooyoung.

Wooyoung, too, wasn't speaking with Seonghwa either.

In a span of thirty minutes, Hongjoong managed to get Seonghwa to the point that he wanted to kill him with his bare hands. Wooyoung on the other hand did not give a shit, with eyes glued on San, while San was too close to Seonghwa, desperately trying to say something to him.

_What a fucking circus._

“My room or yours later?” Seonghwa heard San breathing shallowly on his ear. He wanted to say what he has been trying to say for the past two months, only to hear himself saying “ _Yours”._

Seonghwa became what he hated the most. He became his late parents, his fears, all of what he was dreading off, he became exactly like that. No wonder he cannot be in a relationship. Hongjoong doesn't deserve a loser like him. He didn't get it well after their departure. Their so-called breakup. Everything reminded him of Hongjoong. An endless loop of memories almost fried his brain.

His soul became void, as he was treating his frustration on San from time to time. 

_Will I finally grasp to something that has never been related to a single thing about him?_

He knew he gotta make it right somehow. It isn't the same without him.

Hongjoong isn't the same. 

He was constantly wearing things like skirts, pink stuff, and nail polish, acting all eccentric, like he was craving attention, not from Seonghwa, but from someone else. Someone called Wooyoung. Right now he was practicing the dance moves of Flo Rida in his pink Martines, yellow pants, very tight blue blouse, and a black headband. The rest of them were feeling down, all sitting. Nobody moved.

There was a strong reason for that. Jongho moved away this morning, to Busan, since he switched his major. He didn't want to tell them before, because he knew how much chaos he was going to make. And he did kinda, leaving almost all of them in tears. So yeah, Seonghwa didn't really feel like doing anything. He was missing Jongho like crazy, and now, without him, they lost only one normal in the group. 

“Are we really gonna continue this dance channel without Jongho?” Yunho asks, looking at the Hongjoong through the mirror. 

“What do you want us to do Yunho? Delete channel like that?” He asks, chewing his gum loudly.

“It's not the same without Jongho.”

“I think we should delete the channel, since, you know, we are finishing this year.” San quietly added. “Plus we aren't going to be in the same town to film another video” 

Hongjoong covers his face with his hands with long sight. “ Fine. If this is what you want then fine, let's destroy everything that we have built and just finish with this.” He didn't get any response, as most of them were too busy looking down at the floor. 

“Well? Who is up for deleting this channel, raise your hand, and let's not meet ever again here” Hongjoong says, raging. He was right on one hand, but he didn't want to continue this without Jongho. No one wanted, as all of them raised their hands. 

Hongjoong, in all of that rage, took their laptop, did something to it, and then with a loud _bang,_ he threw it on the floor where all of them could see a white and gray page. 

“There you go. A channel named _A to the Z fellaz_ doesn't exist anymore. Are you all happy?” he shouted, leaving them to be even more miserable, blankly staring at the deleted page. 

Most of them didn't even care about the deleted channel.

They had a lot more serious stuff on their mind right now.   
  
  


……………………………………………………

Wooyoung sighted, blankly staring at the snow covering up the windshield. He was waiting for Hongjoong, parked in front of the studio that Hongjoong has been working from time to time. They were supposed to meet after his work after five. Now it was almost six and Wooyoung hated to wait. On the other hand, they needed to talk. 

They've been to one another a comfort zone to run when something bad would happen for these few days, and Wooyoung knew that this was a mistake, or it is leading to be one. Maybe Hongjoong doesn't have feelings for Seonghwa anymore, but they both knew that Wooyoung surely does have the same feelings for San. So Wooyoung sat there, thinking how to solve this problem, without hurting anyone, when he saw a tiny guy coming out of the building and heading to his car. 

“Hey” Hongjoong smiles while entering the car, taking down his red hat, revealing the same white hair shade as Wooyoung had. 

“I’ve been waiting for you for almost two hours.” Wooyoung says, immersed into Hongjoong’s butterfly necklace that has been stuck in his jacket. He never told him how pretty and delicate he looks with it. 

“Yeah I know, I had some stuff to do. So what happened?” he asks, licking his lips. Wooyoung felt a wave of sickness. 

“Nothing, I just wanted to see how you are, maybe study later together if you are up for it?” 

Hongjoong laughs, eyeing him with a smirk. “That's like the worst lie you've told. Tell me the truth Wooyoung.” he says, and when he sees Wooyoung’s eyes filled with tears he knows what this was all about. 

“He is in love, Hongjoong. He is gonna leave me. I don't know what else I should do.”

Hongjoong was silent for a while, his brain processing who _he_ was and who was the other person, while Wooyoung quickly wiped a few tears that had slipped on his cheek. 

“Wooyoung…” 

“I'm sorry Hongjoong, I needed someone. I don't know what to do anymore.” he interrupts, shaking his head, hands still on the wheel, even though they were still parked. 

Hongjoong looks at him, still uncertain what to do, so he kisses him messily, stopping after sensing Wooyoung’s hands on his shoulder. 

“Remember what you said to me. No more crying because of an idiot.” he says, running his hand throughout Wooyoung's sleek hair.

Wooyoung looks at him, eyes heavy. He knew that Hongjoong was right.

…………………………………………

Seonghwa was sitting alone at the cafe, drinking his chai tea latte and watching the snow slowly falling, covering the last parts of the city. It was almost Christmas and he felt more miserable than usual. And it looked like the only culprit behind that was none other than Hongjoong.

But also Hongjoong seemed like an answer to anything, his savior, the only thing that would make his life slightly better. Now that he is gone to his parent's house, all of his hope seems lost. He was alone and broken. And of course like the salt on the wound he decided to end things with San too. Now more officially. 

San came an hour later, and for Seonghwa he couldn't look more handsome than he was. His front strands were still dyed white, in contrast with his black hair. Seonghwa runs his hand through his own hair, getting his speech memorized once again, as San leans over, kissing him in the most romantic way possible. 

It was hard for Seonghwa to breathe after that. 

“Well, I'm here. Are we going to do our Christmas shopping, or are we gonna sit here and talk?” San asks, moving away from Seonghwa. It stings him, knowing that his little happy face is not gonna be there later when he tells him what he has on his mind. 

“Yeah, we are going.” Seonghwa sights, rubbing the index finger on San’s baby hand. 

_'Maybe this was destined to be.'_ Seonghwa thinks, biting his lower lip, as he was getting dressed. 

San jumps around the town like a toddler, happily holding hands with Seonghwa. It was another thing that he noticed. San almost never holds Wooyoung's hand in public. 

“What do you want for Christmas?” Seonghwa asks, hiding in his turtleneck like a real turtle. It was cold, and he didn't have his padded jacket on. 

“ _All I want for Christmas is you._ ” San sings to Seonghwa, who looks visibly disgusted. 

They ended up buying presents for each other that day. Seonghwa got San wireless headphones and San got Seonghwa Obsession By Calvin Klein.

_Appropriate._

After an excessive shopping done by San, they ended up having dinner, where San was behaving rather obnoxiously. 

“What has gotten into you lately?” Seonghwa hisses, removing San’s hand off his crotch. The waiter pretends like he didn't notice. 

San cleared his throat, he, too, pretending as nothing happened for some time, then went into the attack by caressing Seonghwa’s inner leg with his ankle. 

Only, his face was blank as a paper, like he was unaware of the action that was happening below. 

“San. _San_. Listen to me. Stop doing that and listen to me.” 

San raised his head innocently, looking at Seonghwa. “Why?” Seonghwa felt San pulling his leg away, his mouth clenching. 

This is the part where Seonghwa should recite his speech of how they should stop seeing _each other_ and how he is in fact in love with someone else. Not naming names. 

He felt cold sweat on his neck. 

He remembered last night and the fiasco with Hongjoong and his mind started backtracking even more.

His vision was blurred.

_Was Hongjoong really an answer to anything?_

“Seonghwa!” San screams into the distance as Seonghwa slides off the chair and collapsing on the ground.


End file.
